What Now?

For the last year and a half, my life has been comprised of doctor's appointments, scans, biopsies, surgeries, counseling, fighting matches, stress, tears, fear of the unknown, meds (at one time I was on 20 different kinds of drugs,) court dates, seclusion, and so many other emotions I don't think there are words that have been created yet to describe these feelings.

I honestly did not want to do my radiations. The thought that radiation causes cancer and the thought that I could develop a hole in my chest wall or my sternum scared the shit out of me. I was scared of staying at the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO, and being away from the closest people in my life. I didn't want to miss out on anything important in my children's life while I would be away for the long, six weeks. Another perspective though is yes, I would be missing out, but at least I'll be able to enjoy more time with them in the long run. 

Much to my surprise I've enjoyed the time I have spent at the Hope Lodge. People ask me what it's like at the Hope Lodge so this is my chance to share the wonderful experiences.

You wouldn't think that you could become close to people in such a short amount of time, but as many of us say, "We're all here for the same reason," so of course we all share a common bond. Some of these people I feel like I've known for my whole life. Take for example, Larry and Audry. By all appearances they look like they're father and daughter, but as Audry states instead of Larry "robbing the cradle," she's "robbing the grave." Once you sit down with them and get to know them you understand why they work so well together.
In many families, the one you're born into and the one you're adopted into everyone has his or her role. Even when you're put with complete strangers at first.

Nicky and Albert are my next favorite people. Nicky, of course, is the resident "house" mom as I like to call her. She makes sure those of us without caregivers always have food in front of us. I swear with her cooking I've probably gained five pounds since I've been here. Between her and others someone is always putting food in front of me.

Now, we have those patients who love to give away sweets and thanks to Miss June and Cookie, I've gained two pounds from cinnamon rolls. You know the ones I'm talking about. Frosting dripping throughout the roll with extra frosting on top. The great, big ones that probably have 2000 calories and 20-30 grams of fat in just one.

 (Did I mention her nickname is Cookie? I guess that should have been my first clue that she was going to  re-introduce me to the world of  sweets after chemotherapy. Haha)

Miss June frosting those cupcakes for the Texas Hold'em dinner at Hope Lodge. Cookie's daughter raised $3,500 in support of The Hope Lodge. What an awesome person to do that!!

 But let me tell you, they are totally worth the 2-3 pounds gained. Haha. Then, Cookie of course, is posting all of these awesome decadent recipes on her facebook. I mean Reese's Peanut Buttercup frozen pie, come on. I'm trying to lose a few pounds, not put more on by just looking at a picture. I really think you can gain weight by just looking at one of these pictures.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vs the Real Midwestern Housewife

Hi. My name is Leslie and I am a reality show junkie. No, really I only watch a couple of reality shows. Well, let's see. American Idol, Survivor, Celebrity Apprentice, and let's not forget Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.Oh, wait there's more. Dance Moms, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, and Dancing with the Stars. That's not too many right?
So what do these shows have in common with breast cancer? Not a damn thing, but for an hour or two a night, I forget for a moment that my life sucks occasionally and fantasize that I could one day be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. NOT, but it's fun fantasizing.

I often wonder what it would be like not to have a financial care in the word. I mean $25,000 for a pair of sunglasses is just a bit ridiculous don't you think? Let's see how selfish we can be. I wonder if Adrienne would have donated that money to charity if maybe her life might have been just a little bit more fulfilling. I'm sure these women do donate to various charities, but why publicize what you purchase for the whole world to bash you. Again, does this have anything really to do with breast cancer?
I suppose the botox and other various plastic surgeries these women go through to impress their husbands or hoity toity socialites may seem worth it. Who wouldn't love being married to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon? All the free surgeries and botox you could want.
I recently met with my plastic surgeon for reconstruction surgery and excited I will no longer be flat chested. I use to be a double d and the surgeon said she would have no problem giving me a B cup. Okay, I thought, I can live with that. She then went onto say that once those have healed in two months I can go up another size and then she can start niptucking here and there! Woohoooo!!! A flat stomach, liposuction and botox!!
I worry though what they will look like. As my mother-in-law said, "They aren't going to be 'Hollywood' boobs." Haha. I'm okay with that though. What? I'm not going to look like Pamela Anderson?
I may not be a Beverly Hills housewife, more like a mom of four and a midwestern housewife with little insurance and breast cancer. I may not have a lot of monetary wealth, but I have the wealth of love in my life from friends and families and wouldn't trade that for anything.

LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER!!!

Oh my goodness, who doesn't like FREE make-up? The Look Good Feel Better program is comprised of volunteers who teach you how to make yourself look like and more importantly, feel like a million bucks! I am so fortunate I get to stay at a wonderful place like the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO while undergoing radiation treatment, but life can get pretty boring, pretty fast. I decided to google the program and there happened to be a class offered through the American Cancer Society last Monday. I called and registered and was in! YEAH me!
Upon arrival, there was of course an RN and a volunteer from American Cancer Society, but no one else had signed up for the program. I was a little embarrassed, BUT I had one-on-one instruction, which was pretty awesome.

The volunteer handed me my fuscia colored bag and was amazed at what was inside. The RN and volunteer were curious to see what was inside and low and behold they went nuts over what they saw. "Do you have any idea what this costs?" Hope asked. I pulled the DIORE mascara out of the box and she revealed to me how awesome this product is. I guess you can really tell the difference in a mascara, but I don't think I could justify spending $50 on any kind of product. We'll save that for the Housewives of Beverly Hills. Personally, I am a clinique girl, but I was impressed with this product. I always applied mascara in an upward motion, but in this instruction they tell you to use side-ways strokes underneath your lashes. Huh? Would have never thought of that.
I got so excited about the mascara I forgot to mention a couple of steps before that. Clinique has a quality moisturizer that will most definitely make your skin feel refreshed and hydrated, but after a few minutes you can tell the difference in how smooth your skin is as well. She also suggested to put this product in the fridge during the summer-time. It feels so good on a hot day.

Clinique offered another product, all about eyes. If you apply this underneath your eyes it will help with dark circles and puffiness and will also help your concealer and foundation to stay on longer. I never realized this, but if you apply liquid foundation, like Estee Lauder shown below, use a brush. A brush is more beneficial than a sponge because of the bacteria. Learn something every day I suppose.

I won't bore you with all the other techniques I learned, but as you can see there are some pretty awesome products here. I really recommend this program for anyone going through cancer treatments. Even if you've completed your cancer treatments, I would suggest signing up for this class!!





Obviously, I'm not the only who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I certainly won't be the last. Everytime I go to an appointment at the Westwood Cancer Center it amazes me all the people awaiting for their appointments in the level lab 2 room. Nearly one half of those patients all have some form of cancer and are just as scared as I am.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.