Separation

My husband I separated earlier that summer. I was turning into my mother and he had put up with me for five years. Five years of my battling him constantly, five years of mismanaging our finances, five years of sleep deprivation. My family thought he was an asshole. What I confused me is that they all knew how my  mother was, yet they didn't. My dad left my mom when he had a job opportunity in Indianapolis. She had done the same things to him that I was doing to my husband short of throwing his clothes on the front lawn or taking off for days at a time not knowing where she had gone. My dad couldn't take it anymore. He spent many evenings away from us because he couldn't take her anymore. Why was it such a stretch for them to understand why my husband had in fact done the same thing. The only difference was that he didn't leave his two children alone with a crazy person. He didn't want them to fall into that cycle that I had fallen into. He wanted better for them and he wanted better for me. He wanted better for us, and tried everything in his power to do that. Do I think he did everything right? Absolutely not. I understand though why he did some of the things he did. Deep down I wish my dad had rescued from my crazy mother. I feel in some ways he gave up on us and decided to start a new family.
My husband bought us a house a little over three years ago in a nice, middle-class neighborhood. He wasn't thrilled about the price of the house by any means, but was trying to make me happy once again. He thought if I was happy, then his home life would be better.
He worked overnights at the post office which meant he needed to sleep during the day. There were days when I had such anxiety about taking our two younger children out I would make him run our errands for us. Whether it was taking our two older children to school or going grocery shopping, he would do it. Then, when he would come home I would want his undivided attention. He would be exhausted and I'd want to lay next to him and cuddle with him instead of letting him sleep. If he was about to fall asleep and I needed to go out instead of taking the kids with me, I'd go and see if he would watch them for me so I wouldn't have to take them with me. Of course, he always said yes, that's fine.
When he would call his parents or his sister, I would always want to be around to see what he was saying. I was so paranoid he was saying things about me to make them not like me. He had never said negative things about me before, but in my previous marriage I wasn't my in-law's favorite person. My ex-husband could do no wrong and was the "golden child" much like my 13-year old is now.
When he left, he left the house too with me in it. His name was on the title and the mortgage and because he was responsible for the mortgage he didn't think my name should be on the title. My dad proposed several options for him none of which my husband agreed to. I couldn't get the mortgage in my name and he knew that. He wanted out from under the mortgage and was pissed at me because in the state of Kansas if you are married one spouse can't sell a house without the permission of another spouse.
Every day I was being badgered by my dad and Becky. If either of them had something to say to me, I'd be on the phone with my husband to try and convince him to do it even though I knew he wouldn't. If I was going to stay in the house, all he wanted me to do was keep up with the mortgage payments. When the house was payed off, the title would then be put in my name.
At this point, my dad was my power of attorney and said they wouldn't make anymore mortgage payments until my name was on the title. His name could be on the title as well, but dad was just trying to protect my interests. (My husband and I will never see eye to eye on this even at the present time.)
I couldn't deal with this right now. I was fighting freaking BREAST CANCER. I was trying to stay alive. I couldn't very well figure out another place to live. My husband didn't give a shit about what happened to me in my mind.  I wasn't his problem anymore. Nick and Mickaela weren't his problems anymore.
He's angry at me for everything wrong I did in our marriage. He didn't care if my idea would work, he just wanted something to work and I wouldn't let anything work. I couldn't trust any of his ideas to work. I had to be the one in control.
I wanted to make my dad happy, and I wanted to make my husband happy and I couldn't do either one.