I sat in Level Lab 2 at Westwood Cancer Center, otherwise known as "The Clinic" awaiting to have blood drawn for my routine lab work. What makes this particular waiting room different from others is that 90 percent of these people have cancer, or waiting to be told they have cancer. Women and men with brave smiles conversing with their loved ones just to pass the time. You know that smile I'm talking about. The smile that says, "Yes I'm okay on the outside, but on the inside I'm full of fear, anger, elation, and a whole lot of other emotions that have yet to be assigned a name."
I had my three month check-up last week and came out with flying colors! You would have thought I would have been ecstatic, but I was full of anger and pain. Dr. Mcginness walked in the room and immediately knew something was wrong. As she was commenting on how much she loved my hair and my curls, I was trying to hold back the tears. For so long, I've sucked up the pain, I've sucked up the disappointment, but today I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. My oncologist, Dr. Sharma, told me I would have to wait until next March before I could get my reconstruction surgery.
Not only was I dealing with my self-confidence and my appearance, it was one more year of not having breasts, and being stuck in Kansas and apart from my family. My husband and I have had our share of marital issues and trying to rebuild a broken marriage. I have battled emotional demons that I'm finally getting a handle on, (no it is not bi-polar although I do have bi-polar tendencies) which has affected my marriage and my children and then to pile on the emotional trauma of having cancer it just never seems to end. In that appointment with Dr. M, everything snowballed on me all at once.
God love Dr. M though. She gave me a long hug and told and tried to make me feel better. "Look how far you've come in the last year." She said with a huge smile on her face. "Dr. Sharma is looking at the whole picture. She wants to give your body a chance to recover. You have been through so much with chemo, radiation, surgeries."
I completely understand all of that, but damn it's frustrating. I told my sister tonight that I have absolutely no sex drive. As I mentioned, my husband and I have had marital issues and I get that can also affect your sex drive, but I could really care less about it. I mean, a woman's breasts are a major physical attraction in men. I am so scared that without my breasts, it's just going to feel weird. When Dr. M asks me what's wrong, how was I suppose to explain all of this to her? She spent an hour with me though as I unloaded on her. Fortunately, I was her last appointment of the day.
However, that wasn't the only thing wrong. How fair is it that Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield may potentially deny me coverage because of a pre-existing condition so I am stuck with Medicaid? How fair is that Medicaid says that I can't make over $400/month or I won't be covered? How fair is it that without my Social Security I wouldn't be able to qualify for Medicaid? How fair is it that IF and that's a big IF that even if I did get covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield, my medical expenses would bankrupt my husband and I? Conclusion? My husband and I would have to maintain separate residences so as not defraud Medicaid and we will potentially have to get a divorce to keep our finances separate.
Then, Dr. Sharma wants to put me on a bone medicine to keep the cancer from spreading to my bones. In order to do this though, I have to have my teeth extracted and get dentures which means six weeks of no teeth! Great. How the hell are you suppose to eat with no teeth? Come to find out this medicine she wants me to take isn't in pill form. I have to have it done intravenously. So now I have a whole new set of questions that didn't get answered. Is this chemo? Will I lose my hair? Will it make me sick? How often will I have to go back to Kansas City to get injected? (Mind you, these were questions that hadn't even crossed my mind. My sister came up with these.)
I am smiling a little more. I do have the future to look forward to. I can smile when I tell my kids how much I love them, and I can smile that I passed my three month check-up with flying colors. I can smile that I have a loving family and friends who support me and are there for me when I truly need them. And lastly, I can smile with certainty that I will one day have my family together and our situation for now may be difficult, but we will get through!
