Meaningful Beauty Creme de Serum

Who doesn't want to look younger? Who wouldn't love to feel beautiful and have radiant looking skin? I know I certainly would!

I just attended a twitter party for Meaningful Beauty Crème de Serum and learned so much! Meaningful Beauty has a whole array of skin care products that will surely leave you tempted to go and check it out! You can also get a preview of the products at

 (The following picture and description is credited to www.meaningfulbeauty.com )
http://www.meaningfulbeauty.com/products/products,default,pg.html

Crème de Sérum

This crème de la crème treatment takes a triple approach to combating the signs of aging with three powerful anti-aging ingredients: superantioxidant melon complex, anti-aging peptides and hyaluronic acid. Combining the power of a serum with the rich, moisturizing effects of a crème, this super-boost is designed to help protect, increase hydration and prevent the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

Recap of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I am so excited the new season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has arrived! First and foremost, I loved watching Lisa Vanderpump on Dancing With the Stars. The cattiness of the other wives about her supposed "fake" fainting spell does beg the question, "Did she really fake it?" Who are we to judge? I mean really, can you imagine everything that she does, plus having to learn all of those dance steps. I'd say her eye candy hunk of a partner would definitely leave her wanting more. I mean after all, her hubby has Brandy to gawk over.
I'm a little sad to see Adrienne go, but the new wife seems to be very forward about her opinions of the other ladies.
Kim Richards just isn't that entertaining. The producers must seem to think so since they've introduced her dog as a new cast member. Will Richards actually stay sober this season, or will she lapse to bring up the ratings?
In the same breath, are we tired of Kyle yet? I mean really, all she contributes to the show is her judgemental attitude towards the other women. And she wonders why no one likes her. I'm sorry, I just think she's a bit unforgettable and not that interesting.,
We can always rely on Brandy to bring on the drama, but I have to admit I'm beginning to love her take it or leave it attitude. I'm sorry, but I do feel there is a little bit of jealousy from the other wives. You have to give Brandy credit for making her presence known in this little clique of women.
I'm sure Yolanda has been through a lot with her disease, but why did they make such a big deal about having surgery to remove her port? I mean really, it's just a port. Kudos to her though for pushing through her disease and making it to the other side. Let's focus on her journey, rather than the flipping port.
Last but not least, Taylor has found a man. She seems to be genuinely happy, and instead of the drama surrounding her like in season's past, she has risen above it all!
What I like about some of these women is that they are their own person. They don't hide behind their husbands, well at least some of them don't and they do emulate empowerment if you can look past the drama!
Happy viewing!!

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

I had the opportunity to participate and volunteer at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Kansas City, MO at Liberty Memorial this past Saturday. What an amazing event! Over 15,000 walkers supporting Making Strides. 1 out 2 women reach out to American Cancer Society for help! I was one of those women!

 

 

We had a beautiful crisp day and saw people in boas, bras, and pink beehive hairstyles. Anything goes at the Making Strides walk. I was blessed to stay warm in a cozy Under Armour hoodie, which I absolutely love.

 

 

I was able to share this event with my sister, Melanie and awesome staff from American Cancer Society! All in all it was a great day!!

 

 





Say Yes!

Jeff Probst use to preach on his talk show to "Say yes." Say yes to opportunities even if you're not so sure about them, or if you don't want to put yourself out there. I've been saying "yes" to invitations and putting myself out there that a few years ago, I probably wouldn't have.
A few months ago, the director of Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO invited me to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk kick-off breakfast and then asked me if I would be a team leader. She thought I might be interested. I wasn't so sure about all of that, but in the end I said yes and put I myself out there. Granted, this is my first year doing this and I only have two or three people on my team, but I am so excited about this event. I can't wait to be around other women like me who have gone through what I have gone through! I can't wait to hear their stories and meet new people.
Last week, I had the opportunity to speak to about 50 medical students at KCUMB and share my story with them to maybe help them become better doctors. I met another cancer survivor and the director of the Bloch Foundation in Kansas City, MO. Two really terrific women. I was extremely nervous considering I didn't really have anything prepared, but I was so glad I went. A big shout out to Sara Murphy for suggesting my name and to Lauren Harriet for getting me there!
Wendy Nielson, a fellow blogger had a fantastic idea to reach out to women living with breast cancer and decided to do a series for the month of October entitled, "Writing a New Story." I decided to reach out and answer her questions and the interview went beautifully. You can find me over at Wendy's Blog, http://wendy-nielsen.com/2013/10/18/leslie-jones/.
I guess for me saying yes is my new story. My self-image is changing, my thought process is changing all for the better I might add! So the next time you're asked do something and you're not so sure about it, just breathe and take the risk. You never know what is around the corner!
I'd love to hear from you about your say yes moments!!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCCY13PL?team_id=1465408&pg=team&fr_id=55853

Battle Goddess (My best friend lent this term to describe me, I love you Melanie Craig!!!)

 MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER

Living life the best way I know how. Backing down from the fight is not an option. I write to keep my story from fading into the shadows of a scan.

There wasn’t any time to react to the news I had just been given. There wasn’t any time to cry, or yell, or scream. There wasn’t time to curl up under your covers and pretend like this never happened to you.

“You have cancer.” Dr. M said.

“No, it’s just like last time, it’s just a clogged duct.” I replied.

“Are you sure?” I questioned.

Dr. M was the top breast cancer surgeon in her field. She absolutely knew what she was talking about. There was no mistake about it, I had breast cancer. I couldn’t run out of the room. I couldn’t leave and smoke a cigarette. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have anyone there with me, because I didn’t think I needed anyone there with me. It was just a check-up, maybe a biopsy because they weren’t sure it was cancer, but to be told you have cancer without any kind of testing is frightening to say the least.

“We need to run some tests.” Dr. M said. “Can you stay the rest of the day?”

“Yes.” I said. I knew if I had left that day, I wouldn’t have gone back. I knew my husband and family would want answers and Dr. M really didn’t give me the option to leave. She knew my personality. She knew I was scared.

“Is there anyone I can call for you?” Dr. M asked.

“No.” I said

Part of my story includes what I call my breast cancer statistics. I can’t say I don’t have any emotion over these numbers and medical terms, because I do. Even after three years, it’s difficult for me to look at this piece of paper.

Breast, left 11:00 12cm ftn with calcs, core biopsy:

Invasive mammary carcinoma, ductal type, nuclear grade 3, poorly diffentiated.

Lymph node, left axilla no calcs, core bipsy. Metastatic carcinoma with breast primary.

I had no comprehension of what was going to happen to me over the course of the next two years. There were certain points during chemotherapy that I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I often thought to myself, why am I putting myself through this? What kind of quality of life is? Was this really what God had planned for me?

The breast cancer diagnosis was just the beginning though. My marriage was failing, I was separated from my kids, and I felt all alone. I only shared my true diagnosis with a few select people and I didn’t want my medical information broadcasted for everyone to know. I wanted it to be mine for just a little while. This was happening to me. God, I couldn’t even look my kids in the eye because I didn’t know how I was going to share this news with them.  I wasn’t confident that I was going to beat this when all the statistics said I wouldn’t.

There were people in my life who stood by me, like my dad, my aunt, and my best friend. There were people in my life who tried to manipulate me and were successful at it for a little while.

There really is hope. I have to believe that. I look for hope daily. Every three month check-up, I pray that my scans are clear. There are more positive days these days, then negative ones and for that I am grateful.

Getting fit after Breast Cancer

I suppose the next phase of my life is to get healthy and get into shape. I always knew exercise=positive mental attitude, but I never but much stock into that until I did it myself. I have thank you's for a couple of people I've met during my cancer journey and you know you are.
The first thank you is to the director of Hope Lodge. During my last stay there, she approached me as I was getting ready to leave and asked me if I'd be interested in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. I wasn't really sure about it at the time, but I knew I wanted to do something like this. There is something empowering about being around women who have had similar experiences as you're own. I wanted my story out there, and I wanted to make a difference.
Of course, my sister, Melanie, would say I'm being narcissistic, but at this point in my life, I'm allowed to be narcissistic. I'm allowed to think about just me and what I want out of my life. I'm allowed to want to share my story; the good, the bad, the evil and all the other emotions entangled with having breast cancer. Whenever she makes fun of me I just respond ever so casually, "Shut-up!"
How in the world was I going to be able to walk a three-five mile walk when I've been inactive for the past two years? Where was all that energy going to come from.
A month later, we learned that Genesis Health Club in Salina, KS was hosting a fitness challenge and from there the "Mom Squad" was born. Oh, did I happen to mention the final prize was a three-day trip to Las Vegas? Hell yeah. Why not? What better motivator than a trip to Las Vegas?
The moment of truth: the weigh in. I really didn't want to share this part, but I suppose full disclosure is what this is all about. My beginning weight: 188lbs. Every time I would have a check-up I seemed to gain at least ten pounds. When I was going through chemotherapy, I weighed 120lbs.  Let me tell you now, the weight doesn't stay off.
What's even more frustrating is when we work out together. I constantly catch myself checking out where she is on the treadmill. How fast she is going, how many calories she has lost etc. I have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't her body. Her body hasn't gone through what my body has gone through the last two years.
I can't walk at a 5 speed, 10 incline. I'm lucky to get above a 2.5 speed with a 4 incline. My doctor tells me that it will be months before I will be able to do more than that. I suppose I have to start somewhere though. I keep saying to myself, "Damn it, I want that trip to Vegas. How am I suppose to lose weight when I'm barely walking?"
The good news to date is that I've lost six pounds and she's lost seven pounds. I attempted Genesis' boot camp and made it through two stations and she managed to make it all the way through four. I am proud of her. Sometimes though I want to bitch slap her when she yells at me about buying pasta.
I just have to remind myself this is not only about the trip to Las Vegas. Exercising is life changing for me. I feel better about myself. I have more of a positive outlook on life, even when Melanie is yelling at me. (She doesn't always yell at me, I'm just making her out to be a royal pain in my ass.)
I will also have the energy and the motivation to complete the 3-5 mile Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at the end of October!

I sat in Level Lab 2 at Westwood Cancer Center, otherwise known as "The Clinic" awaiting to have blood drawn for my routine lab work. What makes this particular waiting room different from others is that 90 percent of these people have cancer, or waiting to be told they have cancer. Women and men with brave smiles conversing with their loved ones just to pass the time. You know that smile I'm talking about. The smile that says, "Yes I'm okay on the outside, but on the inside I'm full of fear, anger, elation, and a whole lot of other emotions that have yet to be assigned a name."
I had my three month check-up last week and came out with flying colors! You would have thought I would have been ecstatic, but I was full of anger and pain. Dr. Mcginness walked in the room and immediately knew something was wrong. As she was commenting on how much she loved my hair and my curls, I was trying to hold back the tears. For so long, I've sucked up the pain, I've sucked up the disappointment, but today I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. My oncologist, Dr. Sharma, told me I would have to wait until next March before I could get my reconstruction surgery.
Not only was I dealing with my self-confidence and my appearance, it was one more year of not having breasts, and being stuck in Kansas and apart from my family. My husband and I have had our share of marital issues and trying to rebuild a broken marriage. I have battled emotional demons that I'm finally getting a handle on, (no it is not bi-polar although I do have bi-polar tendencies) which has affected my marriage and my children and then to pile on the emotional trauma of having cancer it just never seems to end. In that appointment with Dr. M, everything snowballed on me all at once.
God love Dr. M though. She gave me a long hug and told and tried to make me feel better. "Look how far you've come in the last year." She said with a huge smile on her face. "Dr. Sharma is looking at the whole picture. She wants to give your body a chance to recover. You have been through so much with chemo, radiation, surgeries."
I completely understand all of that, but damn it's frustrating. I told my sister tonight that I have absolutely no sex drive. As I mentioned, my husband and I have had marital issues and I get that can also affect your sex drive, but I could really care less about it. I mean, a woman's breasts are a major physical attraction in men. I am so scared that without my breasts, it's just going to feel weird. When Dr. M asks me what's wrong, how was I suppose to explain all of this to her? She spent an hour with me though as I unloaded on her. Fortunately, I was her last appointment of the day.
However, that wasn't the only thing wrong. How fair is it that Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield may potentially deny me coverage because of a pre-existing condition so I am stuck with Medicaid? How fair is that Medicaid says that I can't make over $400/month or I won't be covered? How fair is it that without my Social Security I wouldn't be able to qualify for Medicaid? How fair is it that IF and that's a big IF that even if I did get covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield, my medical expenses would bankrupt my husband and I? Conclusion? My husband and I would have to maintain separate residences so as not defraud Medicaid and we will potentially have to get a divorce to keep our finances separate.
Then, Dr. Sharma wants to put me on a bone medicine to keep the cancer from spreading to my bones. In order to do this though, I have to have my teeth extracted and get dentures which means six weeks of no teeth! Great. How the hell are you suppose to eat with no teeth? Come to find out this medicine she wants me to take isn't in pill form. I have to have it done intravenously. So now I have a whole new set of questions that didn't get answered. Is this chemo? Will I lose my hair? Will it make me sick? How often will I have to go back to Kansas City to get injected? (Mind you, these were questions that hadn't even crossed my mind. My sister came up with these.)
I am smiling a little more. I do have the future to look forward to. I can smile when I tell my kids how much I love them, and I can smile that I passed my three month check-up with flying colors. I can smile that I have a loving family and friends who support me and are there for me when I truly need them. And lastly, I can smile  with certainty that I will one day have my family together and our situation for now may be difficult, but we will get through!

What Now?

For the last year and a half, my life has been comprised of doctor's appointments, scans, biopsies, surgeries, counseling, fighting matches, stress, tears, fear of the unknown, meds (at one time I was on 20 different kinds of drugs,) court dates, seclusion, and so many other emotions I don't think there are words that have been created yet to describe these feelings.

I honestly did not want to do my radiations. The thought that radiation causes cancer and the thought that I could develop a hole in my chest wall or my sternum scared the shit out of me. I was scared of staying at the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO, and being away from the closest people in my life. I didn't want to miss out on anything important in my children's life while I would be away for the long, six weeks. Another perspective though is yes, I would be missing out, but at least I'll be able to enjoy more time with them in the long run. 

Much to my surprise I've enjoyed the time I have spent at the Hope Lodge. People ask me what it's like at the Hope Lodge so this is my chance to share the wonderful experiences.

You wouldn't think that you could become close to people in such a short amount of time, but as many of us say, "We're all here for the same reason," so of course we all share a common bond. Some of these people I feel like I've known for my whole life. Take for example, Larry and Audry. By all appearances they look like they're father and daughter, but as Audry states instead of Larry "robbing the cradle," she's "robbing the grave." Once you sit down with them and get to know them you understand why they work so well together.
In many families, the one you're born into and the one you're adopted into everyone has his or her role. Even when you're put with complete strangers at first.

Nicky and Albert are my next favorite people. Nicky, of course, is the resident "house" mom as I like to call her. She makes sure those of us without caregivers always have food in front of us. I swear with her cooking I've probably gained five pounds since I've been here. Between her and others someone is always putting food in front of me.

Now, we have those patients who love to give away sweets and thanks to Miss June and Cookie, I've gained two pounds from cinnamon rolls. You know the ones I'm talking about. Frosting dripping throughout the roll with extra frosting on top. The great, big ones that probably have 2000 calories and 20-30 grams of fat in just one.

 (Did I mention her nickname is Cookie? I guess that should have been my first clue that she was going to  re-introduce me to the world of  sweets after chemotherapy. Haha)

Miss June frosting those cupcakes for the Texas Hold'em dinner at Hope Lodge. Cookie's daughter raised $3,500 in support of The Hope Lodge. What an awesome person to do that!!

 But let me tell you, they are totally worth the 2-3 pounds gained. Haha. Then, Cookie of course, is posting all of these awesome decadent recipes on her facebook. I mean Reese's Peanut Buttercup frozen pie, come on. I'm trying to lose a few pounds, not put more on by just looking at a picture. I really think you can gain weight by just looking at one of these pictures.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vs the Real Midwestern Housewife

Hi. My name is Leslie and I am a reality show junkie. No, really I only watch a couple of reality shows. Well, let's see. American Idol, Survivor, Celebrity Apprentice, and let's not forget Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.Oh, wait there's more. Dance Moms, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, and Dancing with the Stars. That's not too many right?
So what do these shows have in common with breast cancer? Not a damn thing, but for an hour or two a night, I forget for a moment that my life sucks occasionally and fantasize that I could one day be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. NOT, but it's fun fantasizing.

I often wonder what it would be like not to have a financial care in the word. I mean $25,000 for a pair of sunglasses is just a bit ridiculous don't you think? Let's see how selfish we can be. I wonder if Adrienne would have donated that money to charity if maybe her life might have been just a little bit more fulfilling. I'm sure these women do donate to various charities, but why publicize what you purchase for the whole world to bash you. Again, does this have anything really to do with breast cancer?
I suppose the botox and other various plastic surgeries these women go through to impress their husbands or hoity toity socialites may seem worth it. Who wouldn't love being married to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon? All the free surgeries and botox you could want.
I recently met with my plastic surgeon for reconstruction surgery and excited I will no longer be flat chested. I use to be a double d and the surgeon said she would have no problem giving me a B cup. Okay, I thought, I can live with that. She then went onto say that once those have healed in two months I can go up another size and then she can start niptucking here and there! Woohoooo!!! A flat stomach, liposuction and botox!!
I worry though what they will look like. As my mother-in-law said, "They aren't going to be 'Hollywood' boobs." Haha. I'm okay with that though. What? I'm not going to look like Pamela Anderson?
I may not be a Beverly Hills housewife, more like a mom of four and a midwestern housewife with little insurance and breast cancer. I may not have a lot of monetary wealth, but I have the wealth of love in my life from friends and families and wouldn't trade that for anything.

LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER!!!

Oh my goodness, who doesn't like FREE make-up? The Look Good Feel Better program is comprised of volunteers who teach you how to make yourself look like and more importantly, feel like a million bucks! I am so fortunate I get to stay at a wonderful place like the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO while undergoing radiation treatment, but life can get pretty boring, pretty fast. I decided to google the program and there happened to be a class offered through the American Cancer Society last Monday. I called and registered and was in! YEAH me!
Upon arrival, there was of course an RN and a volunteer from American Cancer Society, but no one else had signed up for the program. I was a little embarrassed, BUT I had one-on-one instruction, which was pretty awesome.

The volunteer handed me my fuscia colored bag and was amazed at what was inside. The RN and volunteer were curious to see what was inside and low and behold they went nuts over what they saw. "Do you have any idea what this costs?" Hope asked. I pulled the DIORE mascara out of the box and she revealed to me how awesome this product is. I guess you can really tell the difference in a mascara, but I don't think I could justify spending $50 on any kind of product. We'll save that for the Housewives of Beverly Hills. Personally, I am a clinique girl, but I was impressed with this product. I always applied mascara in an upward motion, but in this instruction they tell you to use side-ways strokes underneath your lashes. Huh? Would have never thought of that.
I got so excited about the mascara I forgot to mention a couple of steps before that. Clinique has a quality moisturizer that will most definitely make your skin feel refreshed and hydrated, but after a few minutes you can tell the difference in how smooth your skin is as well. She also suggested to put this product in the fridge during the summer-time. It feels so good on a hot day.

Clinique offered another product, all about eyes. If you apply this underneath your eyes it will help with dark circles and puffiness and will also help your concealer and foundation to stay on longer. I never realized this, but if you apply liquid foundation, like Estee Lauder shown below, use a brush. A brush is more beneficial than a sponge because of the bacteria. Learn something every day I suppose.

I won't bore you with all the other techniques I learned, but as you can see there are some pretty awesome products here. I really recommend this program for anyone going through cancer treatments. Even if you've completed your cancer treatments, I would suggest signing up for this class!!





Obviously, I'm not the only who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I certainly won't be the last. Everytime I go to an appointment at the Westwood Cancer Center it amazes me all the people awaiting for their appointments in the level lab 2 room. Nearly one half of those patients all have some form of cancer and are just as scared as I am.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.

Radiation Day 5

I'm on day five of my radiation treatments. Dr. Deere said to me during my appointment that in week two and three will be when I experience skin changes. Let's cross our fingers that, that won't actually happen to me. I have experienced the fatigue and I've gotten dizzy a couple of times.
I check in and there are about 20 people in the waiting area just like me awaiting their treatment. The front desk phone rings, a few minutes later Nikki says, "Go on back Leslie." I grab my coat, coffee, phone, and keys and go through the double doors labeled PATIENTS ONLY. For some reason, I still manage to forget I need to change into a gown and walk right past the women's dressing room. I immediately turn around and go in. Once again, I grab my things and head clear to the back where my tech and nurse are waiting for me. "Good morning Leslie." Now, of course everything is routine even though it's only been five days. The first day, however, was anything but routine.
I tried to talk myself out of radiation for months and as my wound was healing I knew I would no longer be able to avoid it. In fact, my oncologist said to me that I needed to have my radiation completed by my next appointment which was in April. There was no-where else to hide. I couldn't hide behind my scar anymore, or court dates involving my children, or the anger towards Becky and Roger, or my anger at the world.
I approach the table and they tell me to set my things down and lay down. Right away they start positioning me. Now, don't move, we'll move you. They grab a triangular pillow to insert under my knees and then my left arm raises up above my head and rests into two molds; one for my shoulder to rest in and one for my elbow. My right arm is to lay down my side and I am not to move at all. Now, this is when I sneeze, and I get an itch on my nose that won't go away. I tell the tech that my nose itches, and I'll tell you, they are serious about not moving. "Here, I'll itch it for you," she says.
After they've tugged on you and marked on you with a sharpie, and labeled you with stickers, and tell you to move your head a certain way, it's TIME! It's time for this scary machine to zap you with radiated beams. You'd think they would be red beams, but they are green. What's so strange about the beams is that they are on opposite sides of the room. It kind of reminds you of a Lazar show.
Now, for the really scary part. The tech and the nurse place a square, open-shaped box underneath a circular dial, and then another square device underneath that. Then they lower the machine almost to your nose, and she says, "Don't worry, it' won't touch you." The fear at this point isn't whether this machine is going to collapse on top of you, or not, it's just pure fear. You have no idea what to expect, and you have absolutely no control over any of it. You have to trust these medical professionals with your life.

Neither snow, nor ice kept my other sister from having her yearly mammogram the other day. I asked her if she wanted me to go with her considering she had driven to Kansas City countless times with me for my appointments. I knew she was scared. Who wouldn't be? A machine that literally squeezes the begeezes out of your boobs all the while you're suppose to relax and breath.
Technology has come a long way even in the past couple of years. Salina Regional Imaging Center has gone digital which allows radiologists a clearer view of your breast. What use to be a blur on a scan now appears clear as day as you can see veins, tissue, etc. I thought it was pretty cool to see the images instantly on the computer.
Melanie was lucky and won a free scan at Long McArthur's yearly breast cancer awareness ladie's night. I suppose out of all the door prizes available, this may have not been a want, but definitely a need as she doesn't have insurance.
We arrived early enough for her to fill out her personal history. "Are you sexually attracted to," a. men, b. women, c. men and women, or d. neither" When she read these options allowed, I responded, "Are you serious?" Melanie, of course, checks men and then responds, "my husband," which she writes in on the questionnaire. That was our comic relief for the day.
Explaining the painful, awkwardness of a mammogram isn't too difficult to explain to the opposite sex. At least for Melanie it isn't. She has a unique take on it, although it's the best comparison I believe. She told her husband, "Pretend it's your dic*. Yes, the machine can go that low, or maybe they would have you stand on a step stool. Now, imagine a machine squeezing on it, bend toward the machine, suck in, stand still while the tech takes their images."
Now, for the woman. Hoist your boob on the platform. Lean in, relax your shoulder, tilt your head, move your other shoulder forward and smile for the camera. "Let me know if it hurts or not," the tech says. "Really?" Let me pinch and twist your nipple and twist and you tell me know if it hurts or not.
Humor is essential during these appointments. Fear seems to take over and all you're left with is wondering if the pain you're feeling in your breast is normal or not. A brave face is definitely not necessary, but protecting your loved ones from your fear is.
My sister tries to down play the whole experience, but she's watched me this past year go through chemotherapy, surgeries, countless biopsies, and my own fear of dying. She's tried to be brave for me and support me through my crisis of living of or dying.
Because she has no insurance, the only thing I can think of is encouraging her to go with me to Kansas City and encouraging her to make an appointment with my GYN. The wonderful thing about KU MED is that they will treat you like a person and if you don't have insurance or even if you're under insured, they will help you get the resources you need to be able to take care of the expense. They will tell you if there are scholarships available, or grants that you can take advantage of whereas, Salina Regional will not. They will perform a screening for you, but if you need to have a cyst aspirated, or you need a follow-up appointment with your doctor explaining what is going on with your results, you're out of luck. So what happens? Women who can't afford the next step after the screening just ignore what's going on because they can't afford it. And, it's not so much ignore, but as Melanie states, "What the fu** should I do now?"

Scans and results continued...

I don't think there is any amount of medication that can keep anxiety levels down when you're waiting for test results. I use to watch Brothers and Sisters and remember the cancer story line when Kitty was going through chemo and then had to go back for her check-ups. They did a really good job portraying what one might go through.
She tried to appear confident and in control for the sake of appearance, but her husband was terrified as was she. You just have no idea what is in your oncologists folder. What's more, it's impossible to read your doctor's facial expressions. Now, Dr. Mcginness is easy to read. I've been going to her for a few years now and I can always tell when it's good news or bad news. She almost never smiles when it's bad news. During her examination, I was terrified. She had yet to see the results in my scans and she started to prod around my scar area from the mastectomy. She didn't let on that she was concerned, but I could tell by her demeanor. Not to mention, she usually doesn't poke around as much as she did that day. After examining me and taking a couple of pictures she came clean and expressed concern that she didn't know if I had a new tumor growing, or if it was simply scar tissue. She simply couldn't tell by just feeling around. If that doesn't put someone in a panic, I don't know what would. The thought of having to endure more chemo and more testing scared the shit out of me. I didn't know if I was strong enough to do that again. I didn't want to go through that again.
After my appointment with Dr. Mcginness, I was sent over to Dr. Sharma's office for the next one. Of course, I had to wait because she hadn't received the results of my scans yet either. I suppose the bonus of having these done at the hospital is that I get to find out that day and I don't have to wait to be called for the results. I was so glad I wasn't going through this alone and that Melanie was there with me. All sorts of scenarios were going through my head. I wanted my life back. I wanted my children back. If I had another tumor, that meant my life still wasn't my life. My life belonged to them. My life belonged to the poison of chemotherapy and all the other medications I would be on.
Dr. Sharma finally came into the room after waiting about 45 minutes and going through the whole what-if's in my head. She examined me and told me I was ready to start radiation. I suppose I was relieved by this since I had to wait months for a wound to heal. Then, she asked me about my teeth and I have the okay to get those fixed as well. Dr. Sharma then says before my next appointment in April she wants me to have completed my radiation and have my teeth fixed so she can put me on another medication for my bones. I thought the bone medication was to strengthen my bones, but it's actually to prevent the cancer from spreading to the bones.
Dr. Sharma was about ready to leave and I ask her if she received the results from my scans because I still hadn't been told if I was cancer free or not. "Yes, your scans are fine." Good God. That's all I wanted to hear. I was so relieved that I started to cry on the inside this time as to not lose control in front of her or Melanie.

THREE MONTH SCANS!!

Once you get through chemo, surgeries, etc., and you know you are clear and free of cancer, you still have to endure the check-up appointments. I have to go every three months for the next two years before my oncologist will release me and I can go to six month check-ups. When the appointment approaches, I go into panic attack mode. I can't sleep for days before and I am constantly stewing about the actual day. There aren't words to describe the fear of the unknown. That's exactly what it is. The fear of the unknown.
I have been through so many CT scans, PET scans, bone scans, MRI's, biopsies, etc. You go in and lie down on a table that moves up and down while the machine does its job. What's there to be scared of? The tech turns down the bright, florescent lights to a dimly lit room for a calming effect I suppose. Although they are trying to make your experience a good one, there just isn't any way to take away the anxiety.
What takes away the anxiety? Good friends. My best friend on this God's green earth came with me and helped me by cracking jokes the entire time. I'm sure it isn't fun for anyone to accompany their friend to appointments and have to sit for countless hours waiting, however, Melanie didn't complain once. Well, that's not entirely true. She did complain about my driving, but we'll talk about that later.
My first scan of the day and I'm sitting in the "holding" area waiting to be pricked by yet another nurse. Correction, according to the tech, infusion team. Team? Really? How is it a team when there is only one member of the team on call for the entire hospital to come and access my port? I guess my first mistake was calling her a nurse, which she was by the way. I suppose it's no longer politically correct to refer to male and females as nurses anymore, they would rather be called a team. Okay, no big deal she's a member of a team. Of course, I tell Melanie about my mistake and she starts cracking jokes about the tech. Oh did I mention the tech was male. I guess I offended him. Never mind, I'm about to go into a room to determine if my cancer had returned or not.
It's not his fault really. If you think about it they do have a difficult job especially when these techs get rotated so much. How hard is it though to read a chart? "Have you ever had this done before"? Really? Can he not see my scar? Can he not tell that I have no boobs? "Uh, yes." I say. "Only about a half a dozen times." In his defense, maybe he has to ask that question. At the very least, he could have been more observant and say, "I noticed your chart and looks like you have done this before."
Finally, it's time for the scan. The CT scan is really no big deal as long as you're not claustrophobic. However, they can give you something for the anxiety beforehand to ease your nerves. Personally, I took an extra dose of happy pills that morning. If they are examining your chest area, you have to raise your arms above your head and lay there for about 20 minutes. Obviously, it's not a pleasant experience especially when your arms start to get tired, or your nose itches and you can't scratch it. If you do scratch your nose, then they have to start completely over. I did find a trick though and you can clasp your hands which helped me a whole lot.
After the CT scan was over, it was time for the PET scan. If you are having contrast dye, the tech comes in and prepares the port or the IV. The PET scan takes about 3 1/2 minutes, but if it were any longer, I'm not sure I could have handled it. The tech explains that for about 15 sec you feel like you have to pee. However, it's more than that. Your whole body heats up from the inside out to the point that you feel like you're going to scream and you're not going to make it through. All you want to do is jump up off the table and pull the port access out. Meanwhile, there is a techno type music playing in the background. I guess that's what the tech wanted to hear, because it was extremely annoying to me.
Finally, both scans are complete and I get to go home! Well, not home exactly, but I'm half-way done.

Why are there certain types of people who are out there whose primary goal is to stir the pot? It's almost as if they want to start drama for you. Some of them mean well, and some of them just do it for the pure purpose of attention. Then, there are those out there who do this because they are so unhappy in their own lives that they want to make everyone around them unhappy as well. When you surround yourself with these individuals, it's very difficult not to get caught up in the gossip as well. You know the kind of conversations I'm talking about. "Did you know that so and so did this"? "Did you know that she went out and got a pop today"? Really, whose business is it that I went out and got a pop? Do you even know it was a pop, or could it have been ice water? My personal favorite was when I was resting at home from chemo and Becky rushed over to see if I was ago. A phone call had been made to my father that my husband was in town and they worried he was going to come by the house. What were they so worried about? If he had been in town and if he had showed up, that's my business. Did they really think he was going to physically harm me? Then, after I had convinced my dad that I had in fact talked to my husband that morning, and he was eleven hours away he revealed what had happened. What's even more funny is that I get a text saying, "I heard your husband was in town. Did you have a nice visit"? The person that sent the text was the person that started the whole circus of drama. Don't you have enough to deal with in your own life that you have to cause me unneeded stress?
Some people just don't get it. What exactly is stress to a cancer patient? Stress is constant badgering. Stress is gossiping about the chemo patient behind their back. Stress is sharing personal information with others who didn't need to know their full history. Stress is calling SRS on a cancer patient and then casually forgetting to let them know that the person has cancer. Stress is trying to convince a cancer patient that she needs to divorce her husband. Stress is trying to figure out what you're going to eat and be able to keep down that day without having to beg someone to fix you something edible and healthy. Get the picture yet?
Now, let's talk about support. Support is showing up! Support is helping a person who isn't prone to asking for help. Support is helping, not meddling, not taking over completely. Support is just being there for a shoulder to cry on. Support is making it okay for you to take off your hat because you know that person's head is sweaty and uncomfortable. Support is making it okay for that person to rest when she/he needs to rest. Support is making it safe for that person to lean on you.

The Monday following my recovery time from my double mastectomies, a social worker from Department, Children and Family showed up on my doorstep.
"Hello"? I answered.
"Hi, my name is Jody and I'm a social worker with DCF." She said. I was suspicious as to why she was here, now, which is why I asked to see her identification. I didn't understand why she would be at my doorstep when technically, someone else had legal guardianship over my children. Technically, I didn't have any custody.
I questioned her and she explained that the children's guardian ad lietem, Mr. Buck, had asked her to do a home visit because the guardians were relinquishing their duties. I still didn't quite understand why she was there. At that point, I didn't trust her because I remember Becky telling me her friend Jill was the supervisor at DCF. I was careful of what I said and I tried not to be too defensive.
I don't really remember much, except that she went into the kids' bedrooms and took pictures. She asked me a few questions and then asked me to sign a medical release. I hesitated at the medical release because I didn't understand how having that information would prove whether or not I was a good parent.
Now, as I'm writing this I remember my dad telling me that Becky had sent him an email with the statutes for terminating your parental rights. Among the list was mental illness. DCF had already been informed I had undergone counseling and I now I believe they wanted to use that against me. Jody then explained to me it would be better for me if I cooperated and I explained to her that my father had power of attorney and I was instructed not to sign anything without him looking it over first. She still pursued it and because I didn't have the energy to debate her and was doped up Oxycodone and Oxycontin, I signed it. Oh, did I mention she knew that I was heavily medicated?
Why should my cancer prognosis determine whether or not my children should live with me or my ex-husband? I did the guardianship voluntarily so that my children would be in a stable environment and so that they wouldn't have to see me go through chemotherapy. I didn't want them to have to watch me get sick, or be so weak I couldn't move off the couch. I didn't want them to see me take all 15 of my medications, or have to see my washed-out face and the dark rings under my eyes. I didn't want them to have to see my hair fall out and have to see me being bald on a daily basis. They had already been through so much. At the time, they were having to watch their own grandmother go through what I was now, having to go through and that was just too much, even for an adult. So why the hell was I being interrogated like an unfit parent?
Everything moved pretty fast when Becky and Roger made the decision to not take care of my children anymore. Instead of returning them back to me, they turned them over to the state basically. If they couldn't have the children, neither could I.
Becky absolutely hated my ex and felt he was an unfit parent as well. However, DCF was sent to his residence as well to check out the home environment and of course it was satisfactory. There really wasn't anything Becky could do about it at this point. She finally agreed to give Manning power of attorney until the guardianship could be resolved so that he could enroll the kids in school before a judge could award temporary custody back to us. I know, the whole thing sounds confusing as I'm writing this out. Becky thought she was sticking it to me when she did what she did. I felt though it was better the kids were with their dad, than with people who were trying to turn our children against.
Not only did they try and turn our children against my ex and I, they tried to alienate them from immediate and extended family as well. When my dad showed that he supported myself and my ex-husband, Becky and Roger stopped contact with him as well. In fact, when my dad was here to support me with my after-care, and he asked to see the kids, they all mysteriously took off somewhere else for the week.

(If I have written about this before, I apologize, but I have a little direction now, and know where I want this story to go. In the beginning of this blog, I kind of bounced around a lot, but now, I'm getting into the heart of this.)

Pontoon

Since we're at the beginning of the new year, I've decided to take inventory of my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. Last year, I had to create a will in case I died, but I hadn't really listed who gets what. Technically, my husband gets everything if something were to happen to me, but I know for a fact he would honor my wishes and agreed to sign a waver stating my children would receive what I wanted them to receive. I wasn't really able to do this when I was going through chemotherapy because I didn't want to think about. I'd start a list, and then I'd stop. Or, I'd start planning my funeral, and then I couldn't finish. My sister would tease me about the fact that I wanted to make sure my funeral went my way and I was too controlling. I have even started to create my video montage because I want to make sure the video reflects what I want to say about my life, not what someone else thinks. I want to choose my music in case something were to happen. I was teasing my son a few months ago and told him I want them to play, "Pontoon" by Little Big Town. Can you imagine after all the tears to have this played. I think it would definitely get a few chuckles.

I don't plan on dying any time soon, but I do want to have everything planned out so that my family doesn't have the added stress of planning. Planning a funeral for loved ones can be very emotional.

When my mom died, we had to make the decision if she was to be cremated or not. We all chose not to have her cremated because it just didn't seem right to any of us. We were all raised Catholic and we knew our grandparents would not have chosen cremation for her. Now, of course my mom hadn't made that decision either, but I think she was okay with the possibility because she knew it was less costly. There goes my mother again, trying to save us some money in the long run. Money didn't matter at that point though.

Thank goodness for our aunt and uncles who helped choose a casket though. None of us wanted to go to the funeral home to choose one so they narrowed it down to three and presented them to us. Since we all have different personalities we all chose differently. I personally, liked the one my Uncle Tom had picked out with the flowers.

I guess I'm writing about this now because it's still so fresh in my mind. It's been nearly three years and I still think about her death as if it were yesterday. Life is too short to be angry all the time and hold grudges.

breasts and bullshit

For me, keeping my breasts was not an option. I think many of us put in this position worry more about our looks afterwards than the health benefits. How sad is that? Something that can save our lives is overshadowed by how we would look without our girls. I was worried about my appearance, how my husband would see my differently, and how sex would be without my breasts. They are a huge part of your life. How would life be different without them?
During a follow-up appointment, the surgeon said I was healing nicely. I looked down and started to cry. I had actually forgotten for a moment that they were no longer there. NO ONE knows what this feels like until they have gone through it. You can have a ton of supporters who love and care about you, but there really isn't anything they can say that can make you feel better about losing a part of yourself.
The drains are not complicated, but highly annoying. Every day for two weeks or more you have to dump the drains, and measure how much fluid is coming out. The "bulbs" that you squeeze the excess fluid from are awkward to say the least. You can't really tuck them away. I wore a special bra that had little pockets for the bulb part of the drain to lay in, but it was still awkward walking around.
Taking a shower after the surgery can be challenging as well. You have to keep the site absolutely dry so the surgical site does not get infected. I wore a bandage and then had an ace bandage wrapped around my chest for several days. I felt so yucky and un kept not being able to take a shower or bath.
I don't think people realize how much of an emotional experience this is. Added to that emotional distress is the Oxycontin , Oxycodone, and Valium they prescribe to you for pain. These types of drugs make you extremely tired and can cause you to become very angry. Sometimes you say something hateful, and you don't even realize your lashing out.
I was so angry at my dad and my aunt when they stayed with me after my surgery. All they seemed to care about was ganging up on me. In fact, my aunt had revealed to me my dad had asked her to gang up on me in so many words. My sister came over the day after I got home and we were sitting on my back porch visiting. Of course, we were discussing my husband at the time. She knew him better than anyone else unlike, those who only knew him for five minutes, yet they seemed to be experts on him.
Anyhow, later that day after I had taken a three-hour nap from being physically and mentally exhausted, my aunt had told my dad about our conversation from earlier. All that did was stir the pot. I believe he was irritated that I had slept so long. I couldn't believe it. I had only been home a day. I think he was more upset that my aunt had told him about our conversation. She had told me he wanted her and him to gang up on me to "see the light." How was that appropriate at all? I had just undergone major surgery and we were still arguing over my marriage. MY MARRIAGE, not anyone elses'. Not his, my aunts, my siblings, my best friend's, but my marriage.
I felt like I was that 15 year old kid he was trying to rescue again. Except he didn't reach out to me back then. I had to threaten my mother that I was going to live with my dad before my grandpa finally stepped in and said I could. Making that phone call to my dad was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made. I was going to be leaving all I knew behind. I owe my decision to my best friend back then, Jeff. He was there for me and I'll never forget that.
I'm not trying to glorify my husband by any means. But the people in my life didn't live with me day in and day out. Do I agree with how my husband handled things? No. But that's still between us. We all make mistakes and we all try to move forward. I try and teach my children that you don't give up on those you love. You may have to put distance between yourself and those people, and sometimes people just don't become the people you want them to be.
My aunt cleaned my house for me which I obviously had been unable to manage for six months. I will always be grateful for that. Her comments about how dysfuncitonal my family is really hurts. It's not her place to call us dysfunctional even though it's true. However, there is dysfunction in her own family that she can't see, or won't see. I don't know which one it is.
I guess I'm pointing all of this out is because when a person is recovering from a major surgery, you don't bombard them with family drama. You try and be empathetic even if you don't know how. You let them make their own choices and support them even if you disagree with them. You love them and ask them how they can help you. You don't simply try to take over their life.