Battle Goddess (My best friend lent this term to describe me, I love you Melanie Craig!!!)

 MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER

Living life the best way I know how. Backing down from the fight is not an option. I write to keep my story from fading into the shadows of a scan.

There wasn’t any time to react to the news I had just been given. There wasn’t any time to cry, or yell, or scream. There wasn’t time to curl up under your covers and pretend like this never happened to you.

“You have cancer.” Dr. M said.

“No, it’s just like last time, it’s just a clogged duct.” I replied.

“Are you sure?” I questioned.

Dr. M was the top breast cancer surgeon in her field. She absolutely knew what she was talking about. There was no mistake about it, I had breast cancer. I couldn’t run out of the room. I couldn’t leave and smoke a cigarette. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have anyone there with me, because I didn’t think I needed anyone there with me. It was just a check-up, maybe a biopsy because they weren’t sure it was cancer, but to be told you have cancer without any kind of testing is frightening to say the least.

“We need to run some tests.” Dr. M said. “Can you stay the rest of the day?”

“Yes.” I said. I knew if I had left that day, I wouldn’t have gone back. I knew my husband and family would want answers and Dr. M really didn’t give me the option to leave. She knew my personality. She knew I was scared.

“Is there anyone I can call for you?” Dr. M asked.

“No.” I said

Part of my story includes what I call my breast cancer statistics. I can’t say I don’t have any emotion over these numbers and medical terms, because I do. Even after three years, it’s difficult for me to look at this piece of paper.

Breast, left 11:00 12cm ftn with calcs, core biopsy:

Invasive mammary carcinoma, ductal type, nuclear grade 3, poorly diffentiated.

Lymph node, left axilla no calcs, core bipsy. Metastatic carcinoma with breast primary.

I had no comprehension of what was going to happen to me over the course of the next two years. There were certain points during chemotherapy that I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I often thought to myself, why am I putting myself through this? What kind of quality of life is? Was this really what God had planned for me?

The breast cancer diagnosis was just the beginning though. My marriage was failing, I was separated from my kids, and I felt all alone. I only shared my true diagnosis with a few select people and I didn’t want my medical information broadcasted for everyone to know. I wanted it to be mine for just a little while. This was happening to me. God, I couldn’t even look my kids in the eye because I didn’t know how I was going to share this news with them.  I wasn’t confident that I was going to beat this when all the statistics said I wouldn’t.

There were people in my life who stood by me, like my dad, my aunt, and my best friend. There were people in my life who tried to manipulate me and were successful at it for a little while.

There really is hope. I have to believe that. I look for hope daily. Every three month check-up, I pray that my scans are clear. There are more positive days these days, then negative ones and for that I am grateful.

Getting fit after Breast Cancer

I suppose the next phase of my life is to get healthy and get into shape. I always knew exercise=positive mental attitude, but I never but much stock into that until I did it myself. I have thank you's for a couple of people I've met during my cancer journey and you know you are.
The first thank you is to the director of Hope Lodge. During my last stay there, she approached me as I was getting ready to leave and asked me if I'd be interested in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. I wasn't really sure about it at the time, but I knew I wanted to do something like this. There is something empowering about being around women who have had similar experiences as you're own. I wanted my story out there, and I wanted to make a difference.
Of course, my sister, Melanie, would say I'm being narcissistic, but at this point in my life, I'm allowed to be narcissistic. I'm allowed to think about just me and what I want out of my life. I'm allowed to want to share my story; the good, the bad, the evil and all the other emotions entangled with having breast cancer. Whenever she makes fun of me I just respond ever so casually, "Shut-up!"
How in the world was I going to be able to walk a three-five mile walk when I've been inactive for the past two years? Where was all that energy going to come from.
A month later, we learned that Genesis Health Club in Salina, KS was hosting a fitness challenge and from there the "Mom Squad" was born. Oh, did I happen to mention the final prize was a three-day trip to Las Vegas? Hell yeah. Why not? What better motivator than a trip to Las Vegas?
The moment of truth: the weigh in. I really didn't want to share this part, but I suppose full disclosure is what this is all about. My beginning weight: 188lbs. Every time I would have a check-up I seemed to gain at least ten pounds. When I was going through chemotherapy, I weighed 120lbs.  Let me tell you now, the weight doesn't stay off.
What's even more frustrating is when we work out together. I constantly catch myself checking out where she is on the treadmill. How fast she is going, how many calories she has lost etc. I have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't her body. Her body hasn't gone through what my body has gone through the last two years.
I can't walk at a 5 speed, 10 incline. I'm lucky to get above a 2.5 speed with a 4 incline. My doctor tells me that it will be months before I will be able to do more than that. I suppose I have to start somewhere though. I keep saying to myself, "Damn it, I want that trip to Vegas. How am I suppose to lose weight when I'm barely walking?"
The good news to date is that I've lost six pounds and she's lost seven pounds. I attempted Genesis' boot camp and made it through two stations and she managed to make it all the way through four. I am proud of her. Sometimes though I want to bitch slap her when she yells at me about buying pasta.
I just have to remind myself this is not only about the trip to Las Vegas. Exercising is life changing for me. I feel better about myself. I have more of a positive outlook on life, even when Melanie is yelling at me. (She doesn't always yell at me, I'm just making her out to be a royal pain in my ass.)
I will also have the energy and the motivation to complete the 3-5 mile Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at the end of October!