MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER
Living life the best way I know how. Backing down from the fight is not an option. I write to keep my story from fading into the shadows of a scan.
There wasn’t any time to react to the news I had just been
given. There wasn’t any time to cry, or yell, or scream. There wasn’t time to
curl up under your covers and pretend like this never happened to you.
“You have cancer.” Dr. M said.
“No, it’s just like last time, it’s just a clogged duct.” I replied.
“Are you sure?” I questioned.
Dr. M was the top breast cancer surgeon in her field. She
absolutely knew what she was talking about. There was no mistake about it, I
had breast cancer. I couldn’t run out of the room. I couldn’t leave and smoke a
cigarette. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have anyone there with me, because
I didn’t think I needed anyone there with me. It was just a check-up, maybe a
biopsy because they weren’t sure it was cancer, but to be told you have cancer
without any kind of testing is frightening to say the least.
“We need to run some tests.” Dr. M said. “Can you stay the
rest of the day?”
“Yes.” I said. I knew if I had left that day, I wouldn’t
have gone back. I knew my husband and family would want answers and Dr. M
really didn’t give me the option to leave. She knew my personality. She knew I
was scared.
“Is there anyone I can call for you?” Dr. M asked.
“No.” I said
Part of my story includes what I call my breast cancer
statistics. I can’t say I don’t have any emotion over these numbers and medical
terms, because I do. Even after three years, it’s difficult for me to look at
this piece of paper.
Breast, left 11:00 12cm ftn with calcs, core biopsy:
Invasive mammary carcinoma, ductal type, nuclear grade 3,
poorly diffentiated.
Lymph node, left axilla no calcs, core bipsy. Metastatic carcinoma
with breast primary.
I had no comprehension of what was going to happen to me
over the course of the next two years. There were certain points during
chemotherapy that I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I often thought to
myself, why am I putting myself through this? What kind of quality of life is?
Was this really what God had planned for me?
The breast cancer diagnosis was just the beginning though.
My marriage was failing, I was separated from my kids, and I felt all alone. I
only shared my true diagnosis with a few select people and I didn’t want my
medical information broadcasted for everyone to know. I wanted it to be mine
for just a little while. This was happening to me. God, I couldn’t even look my
kids in the eye because I didn’t know how I was going to share this news with
them. I wasn’t confident that I was
going to beat this when all the statistics said I wouldn’t.
There were people in my life who stood by me, like my dad, my
aunt, and my best friend. There were people in my life who tried to manipulate
me and were successful at it for a little while.
There really is hope. I have to believe that. I look for hope
daily. Every three month check-up, I pray that my scans are clear. There are
more positive days these days, then negative ones and for that I am grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment