The truth as I see it....

I give up. How many times in your life have you thought that? How many times have you said to yourself enough is enough? When will it end? Why did I deserve this?

Are you angry? Scared? Pissed off this has taken over your life over forever? Pissed off you may not be able to watch your children grow up? Pissed you have no energy because you are so emotionally and physically drained from chemo?

Somehow though we manage to dig deep into our soul to find the strength to go onto the next day, week, month and year, God willing.

Somehow we look past the physical, unexplainable pain and emotional torment and carry-on. Somehow we tell ourselves we are still needed by our loved ones and we must fight for them!

It doesn't matter that we are consumed by fear and the unknown. It doesn't matter that no one seems to understand the trauma. It doesn't matter our bodies are forever changed. It doesn't matter some of us aren't comfortable in our own skin.

There is nothing glamorous about metastatic breast cancer. There is nothing sexy about hospital gowns and going to chemo every three weeks for the rest of your life, or until it stops working. There is nothing brave about reassuring your kids everything will be fine when you aren't sure yourself.

We find a way. We find a way to reinvent ourselves to defeat the burdens of metastatic breast cancer. We find joy in our children's milestones and we are grateful for the time we do have.

This has been my truth and my journey living with metastatic breast cancer. I am not a survivor, but a warrior fighting like hell to live the best I can.

Back To Work After Breast Cancer

I've been out of the work force for nearly seven years. The first four years I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom; and the last three years I battled a Stage IV breast cancer diagnosis while living on Social Security. I absolutely hated being on social security mostly because there wasn't any money left over to do anything extra.
My dad's words, "Social Security isn't meant to be fun." Boy was he right. He encouraged me to get out there and find a job, go back to school, really anything to get me out of my apartment. I finally built up enough confidence in myself and applied for a job and got the job on the first try. I was pretty proud of myself but I worried constantly that I wouldn't be able to do some of the physical aspects of the job. My body just wouldn't allow me to which was and is extremely frustrating to me.
I just want to be normal again. I want to be able to do the things I use to do before I got cancer. I use to be able to stand on my feet for hours at a time without absolutely no problem and now I can last maybe six-seven hours before I'm hobbling around like an elderly person. I purchased expensive shoes and even purchased more arch support, but that doesn't seem to help. I just wonder how the chemotherapy affected the rest of my body while killing off cancer cells.
I thought maybe I just need more time, but it's already been two months and I'm not doing any better, well at least not to what I expect out of myself. I feel like I'm letting myself down and the company I work for down because I can't physically last an eight-ten hour shift.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful that I have opportunity to work. I am extremely grateful that even with a stage IV diagnosis that yes, I'm living with breast cancer, but there is no evidence of breast cancer, and that it hasn't returned.
I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and my body will eventually get back to normal, but WHEN? I know two months isn't very long, but by nature I'm an impatient person.

Land of the Living

I finally feel like I'm part of the human race again. For so long my life was engulfed by whether or not my chemotherapy was working, surgeries, recovery, and basically just getting through the day. Then, there is that fear of waiting in between check-ups to make sure there is no sign of recurrence.
Last month, I had my first check-up without having to do scans and even though I still have that fear I am somewhat comforted by knowing my blood markers were normal.
To take the anxiety away, I decided to apply for a job at Kwik Shop. I had been thinking about it for a while, and living on social security is not glamorous by any means. I hated having to tell my kids no to something because I couldn't afford it. I hated the fact I couldn't go to sporting events or do anything extra for that matter.
I was so excited that I got an interview and although what seemed like forever for a background check (three weeks) I was finally cleared for training. I don't view this opportunity as just a job. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the company to my heart's content. Kroger not only puts their customer's first, but they also put their employees first.
I honestly feel as though I have a purpose again. For the longest time, I felt like my only purpose was surviving breast cancer. I was scared that the cancer would be my legacy and that I had nothing to look forward to. Granted, I had my children, but I wanted something just for me. I wanted some kind of identity beyond being a mother and a survivor.
Who knew you could have a good time in training? I came out of training with a whole lot of knowledge and new friendships.Don't ever tell yourself that because you have cancer that you can't do anything else, because your body and spirit can definitely overcome. All you have to do is try and take a chance on yourself and doors will open!

Fear Not Knowing

The good news is three months ago I graduated from having my routine of PET, Bone, and CT scans to every six months. My oncologist compromised with me and said instead of going every month to Kansas City for my Xgeva injection, I could go every three months where I would still have labs and check-up. I suppose that is somewhat comforting, but also daunting.

In the past two months, I have spent a week in the hospital for low calcium, magnesium levels and a vitamin D deficiency. I have been in the Emergency room twice, and have been kind of depressed the past couple of months. I believe my short-term memory was affected also by the low levels, but I find myself coming back from that whole experience.

I have always struggled with depression, which then in turn, turns into a rut that you can't seem to pull out of. I have been in this rut and am determined to pull myself out. I have applied online for a few part-time jobs just to get myself out of the house and feel better about myself.

I know I can't just sit around my apartment and worry about my cancer coming back, but when you have nothing else to do, it's easy to go to that place. My sister-in-law's triple negative breast cancer came back after two years, and she died the year that I was first diagnosed. I have known others where theirs have come back in that time-frame. I finally decided to do something about the fear and join a local support group and have also decided to keep myself busy by joining a committee for RELAY FOR LIFE.

Until last night, Melanie and I have been keeping busy in the afternoons by participating in a local radio station's scavenger hunt. I was able to get some physical and mental exercise! Although we didn't find the treasure, we had a lot of fun!

I went for so long without having any control over my life, back to having that control again and I want to do something positive with my time and energy! Fear is completely normal, but I will not let the fear take over my life!

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"

"Cancer don't discriminate, or care if you're just 38, with three kids who need you in their lives."

How powerful those lyrics were to me when I heard Martina McBride's rendition of,  I'm Gonna Love You Through It. 

The first time I heard this song on the radio, I had to pull over because I couldn't stop crying. The second time I listened to this song, I cranked up the volume and sang along even though I could never sound as beautiful as Martina, nor could I reach those high notes! The third time, I was with my husband on our way back from a chemotherapy treatment. He had turned the back of the SUV in to a bed for me by laying blankets down for padding and making sure I was comfortable. I asked him, "Can you turn it up please?" Although he was quiet, I knew those lyrics touched him as well. We pulled into the parking lot at our local Kwik Shop, and instead of killing the engine and going inside, we waited until the song was over. I always wondered if he was scared for me, or if he was scared for himself because he never showed me. However, I knew after that night how much he loved me even though I was having a hard time accepting it and the fact that we were so far apart.

There were so many challenges to overcome in my life and fighting for my life would be the "mother" of all challenges. 

I believe even more powerful than the lyrics, were the women in the music video sharing their personal stories. One woman who stood out to me the most was the one who said she was diagnosed on tax day, April 15th. I hadn't had a really good cry over what was happening to me and her words brought out such a raw emotion in me that I can't put it into my own words. However, she managed to convey what I was feeling. "They always loved on me, and never made me feel like a burden."

Katie Couric said in the video, "I'm lucky that I have a family who are incredibly supportive."

I was and am truly blessed to be surrounded by family who love me and wanted to protect me in the only ways they knew how. For my father, it was helping me with my finances and being there for me when he could. I know how much he hates hospitals, but he flew in just to be there for me and take care of me afterwards.

My aunt promised my mother that she would watch over her children, and my aunt has lived up to her promise. She held my hand when the oncologist told me I had stage IV breast cancer. She made the phone calls to family that I couldn't make. She changed her incredibly busy schedule around so she could be there for me during each of my surgeries. She cried with me when my breast cancer surgeon said the pathology report was clear and they got all of the cancer. I will never be able to repay her back except maybe to pay it forward to someone else!

My sister-in-law who I felt was more my sister than an in-law was always there to listen to me whenever I called her. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but she was always supportive of me. She made a point to tell me how much she loved this song as well, as it was released at the same time of my diagnosis.

Every day my best friend who I call my sister, made it easier for me, and I love you. You made it okay for me to cry, and laugh. You were also my escape from my over-protective family. Three years later, and we're still coming up with jokes about tassels on the perky "girls."

"Now, it's forced smiles and baggy shirts, to hide what the cancer took from her she just wants to feel like a woman again. She said I don't think I can do this anymore, he took her in his arms and said that's what my love is for."

I was sitting on the edge of my bed getting ready to take  a shower for the first time since my double mastectomy. I was so scared as to what I was about to see, but with the help of my aunt I managed to get through it.

You know what's cool about winter? Sweaters and bulky coats. I think I was more self-conscience of my appearance than anything. Half the time people couldn't even tell I had no breasts. I finally felt some-what normal. I loved going into Kwik Shop every day and joke around with staff. They made me laugh and forget I had what I thought was a death sentence hanging over my head.

With a cancer diagnosis, there is the fear of the unknown. You can't hide from it, you can't run from it, you can't ignore it, you simply can't escape it. However, you can rise above it just as the survivors and caretakers symbolically demonstrated at the end of the video with the lanterns filling the sky and giving it all to God. You have to believe that you will get through this.

I am about a month from turning 39 and approaching my "technical" one year anniversary of having NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER! One year since my final radiation treatment, and two years since my last chemotherapy treatment. Thank you to my family and friends and the healing power of Martina McBride's  "I'm Gonna Love You Through It."

#RHOBH recap

Monday night seems to be the night for reality, trashy tv, but I have to say I look forward to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am not ashamed to say so. I do have to say I found last night's episode a bit flat though although discovering Lisa and Ken decided to leave Puerto Rico in the middle of the night was a shocker. The other housewives and househusbands criticized them for walking away from being bullied and ganged up on, but I can't say that I blame them. Who would want to spend their entire vacation defending themselves to people who don't believe them anyway?
Does anyone else think this might be the end for Lisa on the show? After all, Camille, Taylor, and Adrienne walked away from the show after a similar situation happened to them. I wonder if the producers of #RHOBH understand that some of these women are probably all going through PMS at the same time as much time as they are required to spend together for taping.
Oh, how I feel for their poor husbands. I have to say though that I am happy to see that chivalry still exists. Yes, the housewives should speak for themselves, but there is nothing wrong with their husbands defending their actions and basically telling off the other housewives, "Do not speak to my wife that way."
Do these women not have anything else better to do with their time then fight over a stupid tabloid that Lisa may or may not have told Brandy to bring with her. What I find even more funny, is that while the women are attacking Lisa, why did Brandy have the magazine in the first place. If Kyle is going to be upset with anyone, maybe it should be Brandy for feeding into the tabloid craze and having it in her possession in the first place.
Yolanda and Kim are a bit too sappy for my taste saying goodbye to their daughter's as they head to college. It's not the end of the world. Is it possible these women are so emotional because they know longer have someone they can't vent to about the other women on the show? I think we spent at least half of the episode watching them say goodbye to their daughters.
Was anyone else excited to see Taylor make a cameo appearance? Carlton actually had some air time too, consoling Lisa after the good cry she had. Was that even a real cry? Haha.
I know I'm leaving out content from the show, but I just didn't feel it was necessary to write about. I can't wait to see what happens on the season finale though and the reunion show.

RHOB the saga continues against Lisa Vanderpump....

One thing I have to say I missed while I was in the hospital was the ability to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Fortunately, BravoTV reairs episodes and I managed to catch up on the missed episode.
While Joyce was visiting with her family, Yolanda, Brandy, Kim, and Kyle reminded me of the Witches of Eastwick. I can certainly understand why Brandy would be upset with Lisa V. about inviting Scheena to her party and asking Brandy to speak to her, but really let it go already. So Scheena slept with your ex-husband. She's moved on with her life and is engaged to be married so why can't you let it go and move on? You'll be much happier for it. Like you, Lisa has taken Scheena under her wings and wants to help her see the way to her salvation. Of course you are still heartbroken over the betrayal, but if you hang onto the anger, you're letting your ex-husband win. There is something to be said for girl power and maybe, just maybe that's what Lisa is trying to show you. Instead of being hurt and upset, put your best foot forward.
The woman of the the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are crying over their own spilled milk. Once you put yourself in the public limelight, you can't exactly blame the tabloids for starting rumors. You are in a market that is selling something. What that something is, I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's the envy and the lifestyle you all possess. However, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things who is talking about who because you are all in it to be noticed and talked about. That's the price of fame I suppose.
I can appreciate Yolanda wanting to stick up for Brandy, however, Lisa tried to do the same thing. Although her style of approach may have been different, I really believe Lisa was trying to teach Brandy a little bit of class and respect for herself.
As for the newcomers Carlton and Joyce I have not yet formed an opinion. Although Carlton comes across as dark, you can't fault her for her passion.
I don't think there was anything wrong with Ken defending his wife. Any good husband would have done the same thing. I do believe Kim was out of line for the way she spoke to him though. It's kind of funny how these women are so quick to throw the other one under the bus, yet their feelers get hurt when someone else does it to them.