The physical scars of a double mastectomy can be shocking at first. I refused to look at my scars when I was in the hospital. Dr. Mcginness changed the bandages herself and wouldn't allow anyone else to touch me. It wasn't until I took my first shower at home when I looked at them. I sat on my bed alone to unwrap the ace bandage. I didn't want any help because I didn't want anyone else to see. I was afraid of how they would react because I didn't know how I was going to react. This wasn't something I was prepared for. No one really prepared me for how I might react.
Breasts are more than just a physical feature. They are more than how men see and are attracted to you by them. They are more than how the media focuses on them. They are a part of who you are physically and mentally. If you've had children and breast-fed, they give your babies nutrients and provide bonding between mother and child.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer and had undergone chemotherapy, removing my breasts was a no-brainer. I couldn't exactly say no, but then again my doctors didn't really give me a choice in the matter. I'm afraid if I had the choice I'd still be trying to decide if saving my life was more important than the physical attributes of keeping my breasts intact.
Prepare yourself is all I can say. I tried to hold back the tears, but the shock had worn off and I realized how scarred my body really was. What was once breasts was just a flat surface with incision scars. I had a lot to be grateful for though. My surgeon did the closing herself so my scars were minimal. She did an amazing job and I will always be grateful to her.
What are some of your fears? Embarrassed or not, sexuality coin sides with breasts. Although my husband told me not to worry about my physical appearance and not to worry about how he felt, I did. How could he still love me and be attracted to me without my breasts? Maybe that's petty of me to think that way, I don't know. My best friend wondered if after the reconstruction surgery if you would ever have sensation again. I thought to myself, you know that's a really good question. An embarrassing question and a question hard to ask tactfully, but definitely worth asking. Would I feel anything if my husband sucked on my nipple? I had to laugh at myself, but my plastic surgeon assured me after six weeks of the surgery, yes, the stimulation comes back. Maybe I should have asked, if my husband stimulates my nipple with his tongue will I feel anything? Still doesn't seem appropriate to me. Haha. Again, sexuality is important in a marriage. It isn't the only thing in a marriage, but it's another form of intimacy in my opinion.
I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but I don't have to worry about the reconstruction for a few a more months. My oncologist wanted me to wait a year before we would proceed with that surgery. She explained to me the stress if I were to get it done now.
Dr. Sharma explained a lot of times if you have the surgery done following the mastectomies unknown tumors might appear in scans. Which would mean further testing, further questions, further stress from not knowing if it's cancer or not. She said it would cause me stress and cause her stress.
I have chosen not to wear a prosthetic. They are hot and sweaty and uncomfortable. I still don't know how my mom did it for decades. I'm comfortable enough in my own skin that it doesn't really matter to me now that I have no chest. I know I will and I'm just grateful I'm alive and my surgeons were able to get rid of any cancer left in my breast and lymph nodes.
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