Bloomin' Boobs

Obviously, I'm not the only who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I certainly won't be the last. Everytime I go to an appointment at the Westwood Cancer Center it amazes me all the people awaiting for their appointments in the level lab 2 room. Nearly one half of those patients all have some form of cancer and are just as scared as I am.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.