Battle Goddess (My best friend lent this term to describe me, I love you Melanie Craig!!!)

 MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER

Living life the best way I know how. Backing down from the fight is not an option. I write to keep my story from fading into the shadows of a scan.

There wasn’t any time to react to the news I had just been given. There wasn’t any time to cry, or yell, or scream. There wasn’t time to curl up under your covers and pretend like this never happened to you.

“You have cancer.” Dr. M said.

“No, it’s just like last time, it’s just a clogged duct.” I replied.

“Are you sure?” I questioned.

Dr. M was the top breast cancer surgeon in her field. She absolutely knew what she was talking about. There was no mistake about it, I had breast cancer. I couldn’t run out of the room. I couldn’t leave and smoke a cigarette. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have anyone there with me, because I didn’t think I needed anyone there with me. It was just a check-up, maybe a biopsy because they weren’t sure it was cancer, but to be told you have cancer without any kind of testing is frightening to say the least.

“We need to run some tests.” Dr. M said. “Can you stay the rest of the day?”

“Yes.” I said. I knew if I had left that day, I wouldn’t have gone back. I knew my husband and family would want answers and Dr. M really didn’t give me the option to leave. She knew my personality. She knew I was scared.

“Is there anyone I can call for you?” Dr. M asked.

“No.” I said

Part of my story includes what I call my breast cancer statistics. I can’t say I don’t have any emotion over these numbers and medical terms, because I do. Even after three years, it’s difficult for me to look at this piece of paper.

Breast, left 11:00 12cm ftn with calcs, core biopsy:

Invasive mammary carcinoma, ductal type, nuclear grade 3, poorly diffentiated.

Lymph node, left axilla no calcs, core bipsy. Metastatic carcinoma with breast primary.

I had no comprehension of what was going to happen to me over the course of the next two years. There were certain points during chemotherapy that I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I often thought to myself, why am I putting myself through this? What kind of quality of life is? Was this really what God had planned for me?

The breast cancer diagnosis was just the beginning though. My marriage was failing, I was separated from my kids, and I felt all alone. I only shared my true diagnosis with a few select people and I didn’t want my medical information broadcasted for everyone to know. I wanted it to be mine for just a little while. This was happening to me. God, I couldn’t even look my kids in the eye because I didn’t know how I was going to share this news with them.  I wasn’t confident that I was going to beat this when all the statistics said I wouldn’t.

There were people in my life who stood by me, like my dad, my aunt, and my best friend. There were people in my life who tried to manipulate me and were successful at it for a little while.

There really is hope. I have to believe that. I look for hope daily. Every three month check-up, I pray that my scans are clear. There are more positive days these days, then negative ones and for that I am grateful.

Getting fit after Breast Cancer

I suppose the next phase of my life is to get healthy and get into shape. I always knew exercise=positive mental attitude, but I never but much stock into that until I did it myself. I have thank you's for a couple of people I've met during my cancer journey and you know you are.
The first thank you is to the director of Hope Lodge. During my last stay there, she approached me as I was getting ready to leave and asked me if I'd be interested in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. I wasn't really sure about it at the time, but I knew I wanted to do something like this. There is something empowering about being around women who have had similar experiences as you're own. I wanted my story out there, and I wanted to make a difference.
Of course, my sister, Melanie, would say I'm being narcissistic, but at this point in my life, I'm allowed to be narcissistic. I'm allowed to think about just me and what I want out of my life. I'm allowed to want to share my story; the good, the bad, the evil and all the other emotions entangled with having breast cancer. Whenever she makes fun of me I just respond ever so casually, "Shut-up!"
How in the world was I going to be able to walk a three-five mile walk when I've been inactive for the past two years? Where was all that energy going to come from.
A month later, we learned that Genesis Health Club in Salina, KS was hosting a fitness challenge and from there the "Mom Squad" was born. Oh, did I happen to mention the final prize was a three-day trip to Las Vegas? Hell yeah. Why not? What better motivator than a trip to Las Vegas?
The moment of truth: the weigh in. I really didn't want to share this part, but I suppose full disclosure is what this is all about. My beginning weight: 188lbs. Every time I would have a check-up I seemed to gain at least ten pounds. When I was going through chemotherapy, I weighed 120lbs.  Let me tell you now, the weight doesn't stay off.
What's even more frustrating is when we work out together. I constantly catch myself checking out where she is on the treadmill. How fast she is going, how many calories she has lost etc. I have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't her body. Her body hasn't gone through what my body has gone through the last two years.
I can't walk at a 5 speed, 10 incline. I'm lucky to get above a 2.5 speed with a 4 incline. My doctor tells me that it will be months before I will be able to do more than that. I suppose I have to start somewhere though. I keep saying to myself, "Damn it, I want that trip to Vegas. How am I suppose to lose weight when I'm barely walking?"
The good news to date is that I've lost six pounds and she's lost seven pounds. I attempted Genesis' boot camp and made it through two stations and she managed to make it all the way through four. I am proud of her. Sometimes though I want to bitch slap her when she yells at me about buying pasta.
I just have to remind myself this is not only about the trip to Las Vegas. Exercising is life changing for me. I feel better about myself. I have more of a positive outlook on life, even when Melanie is yelling at me. (She doesn't always yell at me, I'm just making her out to be a royal pain in my ass.)
I will also have the energy and the motivation to complete the 3-5 mile Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at the end of October!

I sat in Level Lab 2 at Westwood Cancer Center, otherwise known as "The Clinic" awaiting to have blood drawn for my routine lab work. What makes this particular waiting room different from others is that 90 percent of these people have cancer, or waiting to be told they have cancer. Women and men with brave smiles conversing with their loved ones just to pass the time. You know that smile I'm talking about. The smile that says, "Yes I'm okay on the outside, but on the inside I'm full of fear, anger, elation, and a whole lot of other emotions that have yet to be assigned a name."
I had my three month check-up last week and came out with flying colors! You would have thought I would have been ecstatic, but I was full of anger and pain. Dr. Mcginness walked in the room and immediately knew something was wrong. As she was commenting on how much she loved my hair and my curls, I was trying to hold back the tears. For so long, I've sucked up the pain, I've sucked up the disappointment, but today I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. My oncologist, Dr. Sharma, told me I would have to wait until next March before I could get my reconstruction surgery.
Not only was I dealing with my self-confidence and my appearance, it was one more year of not having breasts, and being stuck in Kansas and apart from my family. My husband and I have had our share of marital issues and trying to rebuild a broken marriage. I have battled emotional demons that I'm finally getting a handle on, (no it is not bi-polar although I do have bi-polar tendencies) which has affected my marriage and my children and then to pile on the emotional trauma of having cancer it just never seems to end. In that appointment with Dr. M, everything snowballed on me all at once.
God love Dr. M though. She gave me a long hug and told and tried to make me feel better. "Look how far you've come in the last year." She said with a huge smile on her face. "Dr. Sharma is looking at the whole picture. She wants to give your body a chance to recover. You have been through so much with chemo, radiation, surgeries."
I completely understand all of that, but damn it's frustrating. I told my sister tonight that I have absolutely no sex drive. As I mentioned, my husband and I have had marital issues and I get that can also affect your sex drive, but I could really care less about it. I mean, a woman's breasts are a major physical attraction in men. I am so scared that without my breasts, it's just going to feel weird. When Dr. M asks me what's wrong, how was I suppose to explain all of this to her? She spent an hour with me though as I unloaded on her. Fortunately, I was her last appointment of the day.
However, that wasn't the only thing wrong. How fair is it that Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield may potentially deny me coverage because of a pre-existing condition so I am stuck with Medicaid? How fair is that Medicaid says that I can't make over $400/month or I won't be covered? How fair is it that without my Social Security I wouldn't be able to qualify for Medicaid? How fair is it that IF and that's a big IF that even if I did get covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield, my medical expenses would bankrupt my husband and I? Conclusion? My husband and I would have to maintain separate residences so as not defraud Medicaid and we will potentially have to get a divorce to keep our finances separate.
Then, Dr. Sharma wants to put me on a bone medicine to keep the cancer from spreading to my bones. In order to do this though, I have to have my teeth extracted and get dentures which means six weeks of no teeth! Great. How the hell are you suppose to eat with no teeth? Come to find out this medicine she wants me to take isn't in pill form. I have to have it done intravenously. So now I have a whole new set of questions that didn't get answered. Is this chemo? Will I lose my hair? Will it make me sick? How often will I have to go back to Kansas City to get injected? (Mind you, these were questions that hadn't even crossed my mind. My sister came up with these.)
I am smiling a little more. I do have the future to look forward to. I can smile when I tell my kids how much I love them, and I can smile that I passed my three month check-up with flying colors. I can smile that I have a loving family and friends who support me and are there for me when I truly need them. And lastly, I can smile  with certainty that I will one day have my family together and our situation for now may be difficult, but we will get through!

What Now?

For the last year and a half, my life has been comprised of doctor's appointments, scans, biopsies, surgeries, counseling, fighting matches, stress, tears, fear of the unknown, meds (at one time I was on 20 different kinds of drugs,) court dates, seclusion, and so many other emotions I don't think there are words that have been created yet to describe these feelings.

I honestly did not want to do my radiations. The thought that radiation causes cancer and the thought that I could develop a hole in my chest wall or my sternum scared the shit out of me. I was scared of staying at the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO, and being away from the closest people in my life. I didn't want to miss out on anything important in my children's life while I would be away for the long, six weeks. Another perspective though is yes, I would be missing out, but at least I'll be able to enjoy more time with them in the long run. 

Much to my surprise I've enjoyed the time I have spent at the Hope Lodge. People ask me what it's like at the Hope Lodge so this is my chance to share the wonderful experiences.

You wouldn't think that you could become close to people in such a short amount of time, but as many of us say, "We're all here for the same reason," so of course we all share a common bond. Some of these people I feel like I've known for my whole life. Take for example, Larry and Audry. By all appearances they look like they're father and daughter, but as Audry states instead of Larry "robbing the cradle," she's "robbing the grave." Once you sit down with them and get to know them you understand why they work so well together.
In many families, the one you're born into and the one you're adopted into everyone has his or her role. Even when you're put with complete strangers at first.

Nicky and Albert are my next favorite people. Nicky, of course, is the resident "house" mom as I like to call her. She makes sure those of us without caregivers always have food in front of us. I swear with her cooking I've probably gained five pounds since I've been here. Between her and others someone is always putting food in front of me.

Now, we have those patients who love to give away sweets and thanks to Miss June and Cookie, I've gained two pounds from cinnamon rolls. You know the ones I'm talking about. Frosting dripping throughout the roll with extra frosting on top. The great, big ones that probably have 2000 calories and 20-30 grams of fat in just one.

 (Did I mention her nickname is Cookie? I guess that should have been my first clue that she was going to  re-introduce me to the world of  sweets after chemotherapy. Haha)

Miss June frosting those cupcakes for the Texas Hold'em dinner at Hope Lodge. Cookie's daughter raised $3,500 in support of The Hope Lodge. What an awesome person to do that!!

 But let me tell you, they are totally worth the 2-3 pounds gained. Haha. Then, Cookie of course, is posting all of these awesome decadent recipes on her facebook. I mean Reese's Peanut Buttercup frozen pie, come on. I'm trying to lose a few pounds, not put more on by just looking at a picture. I really think you can gain weight by just looking at one of these pictures.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vs the Real Midwestern Housewife

Hi. My name is Leslie and I am a reality show junkie. No, really I only watch a couple of reality shows. Well, let's see. American Idol, Survivor, Celebrity Apprentice, and let's not forget Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.Oh, wait there's more. Dance Moms, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, and Dancing with the Stars. That's not too many right?
So what do these shows have in common with breast cancer? Not a damn thing, but for an hour or two a night, I forget for a moment that my life sucks occasionally and fantasize that I could one day be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. NOT, but it's fun fantasizing.

I often wonder what it would be like not to have a financial care in the word. I mean $25,000 for a pair of sunglasses is just a bit ridiculous don't you think? Let's see how selfish we can be. I wonder if Adrienne would have donated that money to charity if maybe her life might have been just a little bit more fulfilling. I'm sure these women do donate to various charities, but why publicize what you purchase for the whole world to bash you. Again, does this have anything really to do with breast cancer?
I suppose the botox and other various plastic surgeries these women go through to impress their husbands or hoity toity socialites may seem worth it. Who wouldn't love being married to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon? All the free surgeries and botox you could want.
I recently met with my plastic surgeon for reconstruction surgery and excited I will no longer be flat chested. I use to be a double d and the surgeon said she would have no problem giving me a B cup. Okay, I thought, I can live with that. She then went onto say that once those have healed in two months I can go up another size and then she can start niptucking here and there! Woohoooo!!! A flat stomach, liposuction and botox!!
I worry though what they will look like. As my mother-in-law said, "They aren't going to be 'Hollywood' boobs." Haha. I'm okay with that though. What? I'm not going to look like Pamela Anderson?
I may not be a Beverly Hills housewife, more like a mom of four and a midwestern housewife with little insurance and breast cancer. I may not have a lot of monetary wealth, but I have the wealth of love in my life from friends and families and wouldn't trade that for anything.

LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER!!!

Oh my goodness, who doesn't like FREE make-up? The Look Good Feel Better program is comprised of volunteers who teach you how to make yourself look like and more importantly, feel like a million bucks! I am so fortunate I get to stay at a wonderful place like the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO while undergoing radiation treatment, but life can get pretty boring, pretty fast. I decided to google the program and there happened to be a class offered through the American Cancer Society last Monday. I called and registered and was in! YEAH me!
Upon arrival, there was of course an RN and a volunteer from American Cancer Society, but no one else had signed up for the program. I was a little embarrassed, BUT I had one-on-one instruction, which was pretty awesome.

The volunteer handed me my fuscia colored bag and was amazed at what was inside. The RN and volunteer were curious to see what was inside and low and behold they went nuts over what they saw. "Do you have any idea what this costs?" Hope asked. I pulled the DIORE mascara out of the box and she revealed to me how awesome this product is. I guess you can really tell the difference in a mascara, but I don't think I could justify spending $50 on any kind of product. We'll save that for the Housewives of Beverly Hills. Personally, I am a clinique girl, but I was impressed with this product. I always applied mascara in an upward motion, but in this instruction they tell you to use side-ways strokes underneath your lashes. Huh? Would have never thought of that.
I got so excited about the mascara I forgot to mention a couple of steps before that. Clinique has a quality moisturizer that will most definitely make your skin feel refreshed and hydrated, but after a few minutes you can tell the difference in how smooth your skin is as well. She also suggested to put this product in the fridge during the summer-time. It feels so good on a hot day.

Clinique offered another product, all about eyes. If you apply this underneath your eyes it will help with dark circles and puffiness and will also help your concealer and foundation to stay on longer. I never realized this, but if you apply liquid foundation, like Estee Lauder shown below, use a brush. A brush is more beneficial than a sponge because of the bacteria. Learn something every day I suppose.

I won't bore you with all the other techniques I learned, but as you can see there are some pretty awesome products here. I really recommend this program for anyone going through cancer treatments. Even if you've completed your cancer treatments, I would suggest signing up for this class!!





Obviously, I'm not the only who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I certainly won't be the last. Everytime I go to an appointment at the Westwood Cancer Center it amazes me all the people awaiting for their appointments in the level lab 2 room. Nearly one half of those patients all have some form of cancer and are just as scared as I am.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.