I give up. How many times in your life have you thought that? How many times have you said to yourself enough is enough? When will it end? Why did I deserve this?
Are you angry? Scared? Pissed off this has taken over your life over forever? Pissed off you may not be able to watch your children grow up? Pissed you have no energy because you are so emotionally and physically drained from chemo?
Somehow though we manage to dig deep into our soul to find the strength to go onto the next day, week, month and year, God willing.
Somehow we look past the physical, unexplainable pain and emotional torment and carry-on. Somehow we tell ourselves we are still needed by our loved ones and we must fight for them!
It doesn't matter that we are consumed by fear and the unknown. It doesn't matter that no one seems to understand the trauma. It doesn't matter our bodies are forever changed. It doesn't matter some of us aren't comfortable in our own skin.
There is nothing glamorous about metastatic breast cancer. There is nothing sexy about hospital gowns and going to chemo every three weeks for the rest of your life, or until it stops working. There is nothing brave about reassuring your kids everything will be fine when you aren't sure yourself.
We find a way. We find a way to reinvent ourselves to defeat the burdens of metastatic breast cancer. We find joy in our children's milestones and we are grateful for the time we do have.
This has been my truth and my journey living with metastatic breast cancer. I am not a survivor, but a warrior fighting like hell to live the best I can.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Monday, June 30, 2014
Back To Work After Breast Cancer
I've been out of the work force for nearly seven years. The first four years I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom; and the last three years I battled a Stage IV breast cancer diagnosis while living on Social Security. I absolutely hated being on social security mostly because there wasn't any money left over to do anything extra.
My dad's words, "Social Security isn't meant to be fun." Boy was he right. He encouraged me to get out there and find a job, go back to school, really anything to get me out of my apartment. I finally built up enough confidence in myself and applied for a job and got the job on the first try. I was pretty proud of myself but I worried constantly that I wouldn't be able to do some of the physical aspects of the job. My body just wouldn't allow me to which was and is extremely frustrating to me.
I just want to be normal again. I want to be able to do the things I use to do before I got cancer. I use to be able to stand on my feet for hours at a time without absolutely no problem and now I can last maybe six-seven hours before I'm hobbling around like an elderly person. I purchased expensive shoes and even purchased more arch support, but that doesn't seem to help. I just wonder how the chemotherapy affected the rest of my body while killing off cancer cells.
I thought maybe I just need more time, but it's already been two months and I'm not doing any better, well at least not to what I expect out of myself. I feel like I'm letting myself down and the company I work for down because I can't physically last an eight-ten hour shift.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful that I have opportunity to work. I am extremely grateful that even with a stage IV diagnosis that yes, I'm living with breast cancer, but there is no evidence of breast cancer, and that it hasn't returned.
I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and my body will eventually get back to normal, but WHEN? I know two months isn't very long, but by nature I'm an impatient person.
My dad's words, "Social Security isn't meant to be fun." Boy was he right. He encouraged me to get out there and find a job, go back to school, really anything to get me out of my apartment. I finally built up enough confidence in myself and applied for a job and got the job on the first try. I was pretty proud of myself but I worried constantly that I wouldn't be able to do some of the physical aspects of the job. My body just wouldn't allow me to which was and is extremely frustrating to me.
I just want to be normal again. I want to be able to do the things I use to do before I got cancer. I use to be able to stand on my feet for hours at a time without absolutely no problem and now I can last maybe six-seven hours before I'm hobbling around like an elderly person. I purchased expensive shoes and even purchased more arch support, but that doesn't seem to help. I just wonder how the chemotherapy affected the rest of my body while killing off cancer cells.
I thought maybe I just need more time, but it's already been two months and I'm not doing any better, well at least not to what I expect out of myself. I feel like I'm letting myself down and the company I work for down because I can't physically last an eight-ten hour shift.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful that I have opportunity to work. I am extremely grateful that even with a stage IV diagnosis that yes, I'm living with breast cancer, but there is no evidence of breast cancer, and that it hasn't returned.
I keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and my body will eventually get back to normal, but WHEN? I know two months isn't very long, but by nature I'm an impatient person.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Land of the Living
I finally feel like I'm part of the human race again. For so long my life was engulfed by whether or not my chemotherapy was working, surgeries, recovery, and basically just getting through the day. Then, there is that fear of waiting in between check-ups to make sure there is no sign of recurrence.
Last month, I had my first check-up without having to do scans and even though I still have that fear I am somewhat comforted by knowing my blood markers were normal.
To take the anxiety away, I decided to apply for a job at Kwik Shop. I had been thinking about it for a while, and living on social security is not glamorous by any means. I hated having to tell my kids no to something because I couldn't afford it. I hated the fact I couldn't go to sporting events or do anything extra for that matter.
I was so excited that I got an interview and although what seemed like forever for a background check (three weeks) I was finally cleared for training. I don't view this opportunity as just a job. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the company to my heart's content. Kroger not only puts their customer's first, but they also put their employees first.
I honestly feel as though I have a purpose again. For the longest time, I felt like my only purpose was surviving breast cancer. I was scared that the cancer would be my legacy and that I had nothing to look forward to. Granted, I had my children, but I wanted something just for me. I wanted some kind of identity beyond being a mother and a survivor.
Who knew you could have a good time in training? I came out of training with a whole lot of knowledge and new friendships.Don't ever tell yourself that because you have cancer that you can't do anything else, because your body and spirit can definitely overcome. All you have to do is try and take a chance on yourself and doors will open!
Last month, I had my first check-up without having to do scans and even though I still have that fear I am somewhat comforted by knowing my blood markers were normal.
To take the anxiety away, I decided to apply for a job at Kwik Shop. I had been thinking about it for a while, and living on social security is not glamorous by any means. I hated having to tell my kids no to something because I couldn't afford it. I hated the fact I couldn't go to sporting events or do anything extra for that matter.
I was so excited that I got an interview and although what seemed like forever for a background check (three weeks) I was finally cleared for training. I don't view this opportunity as just a job. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the company to my heart's content. Kroger not only puts their customer's first, but they also put their employees first.
I honestly feel as though I have a purpose again. For the longest time, I felt like my only purpose was surviving breast cancer. I was scared that the cancer would be my legacy and that I had nothing to look forward to. Granted, I had my children, but I wanted something just for me. I wanted some kind of identity beyond being a mother and a survivor.
Who knew you could have a good time in training? I came out of training with a whole lot of knowledge and new friendships.Don't ever tell yourself that because you have cancer that you can't do anything else, because your body and spirit can definitely overcome. All you have to do is try and take a chance on yourself and doors will open!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Fear Not Knowing
The good news is three months ago I graduated from having my routine of PET, Bone, and CT scans to every six months. My oncologist compromised with me and said instead of going every month to Kansas City for my Xgeva injection, I could go every three months where I would still have labs and check-up. I suppose that is somewhat comforting, but also daunting.
In the past two months, I have spent a week in the hospital for low calcium, magnesium levels and a vitamin D deficiency. I have been in the Emergency room twice, and have been kind of depressed the past couple of months. I believe my short-term memory was affected also by the low levels, but I find myself coming back from that whole experience.
I have always struggled with depression, which then in turn, turns into a rut that you can't seem to pull out of. I have been in this rut and am determined to pull myself out. I have applied online for a few part-time jobs just to get myself out of the house and feel better about myself.
I know I can't just sit around my apartment and worry about my cancer coming back, but when you have nothing else to do, it's easy to go to that place. My sister-in-law's triple negative breast cancer came back after two years, and she died the year that I was first diagnosed. I have known others where theirs have come back in that time-frame. I finally decided to do something about the fear and join a local support group and have also decided to keep myself busy by joining a committee for RELAY FOR LIFE.
Until last night, Melanie and I have been keeping busy in the afternoons by participating in a local radio station's scavenger hunt. I was able to get some physical and mental exercise! Although we didn't find the treasure, we had a lot of fun!
I went for so long without having any control over my life, back to having that control again and I want to do something positive with my time and energy! Fear is completely normal, but I will not let the fear take over my life!
In the past two months, I have spent a week in the hospital for low calcium, magnesium levels and a vitamin D deficiency. I have been in the Emergency room twice, and have been kind of depressed the past couple of months. I believe my short-term memory was affected also by the low levels, but I find myself coming back from that whole experience.
I have always struggled with depression, which then in turn, turns into a rut that you can't seem to pull out of. I have been in this rut and am determined to pull myself out. I have applied online for a few part-time jobs just to get myself out of the house and feel better about myself.
I know I can't just sit around my apartment and worry about my cancer coming back, but when you have nothing else to do, it's easy to go to that place. My sister-in-law's triple negative breast cancer came back after two years, and she died the year that I was first diagnosed. I have known others where theirs have come back in that time-frame. I finally decided to do something about the fear and join a local support group and have also decided to keep myself busy by joining a committee for RELAY FOR LIFE.
Until last night, Melanie and I have been keeping busy in the afternoons by participating in a local radio station's scavenger hunt. I was able to get some physical and mental exercise! Although we didn't find the treasure, we had a lot of fun!
I went for so long without having any control over my life, back to having that control again and I want to do something positive with my time and energy! Fear is completely normal, but I will not let the fear take over my life!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"
"Cancer don't discriminate, or care if you're just 38, with three kids who need you in their lives."
How powerful those lyrics were to me when I heard Martina McBride's rendition of, I'm Gonna Love You Through It.
The first time I heard this song on the radio, I had to pull over because I couldn't stop crying. The second time I listened to this song, I cranked up the volume and sang along even though I could never sound as beautiful as Martina, nor could I reach those high notes! The third time, I was with my husband on our way back from a chemotherapy treatment. He had turned the back of the SUV in to a bed for me by laying blankets down for padding and making sure I was comfortable. I asked him, "Can you turn it up please?" Although he was quiet, I knew those lyrics touched him as well. We pulled into the parking lot at our local Kwik Shop, and instead of killing the engine and going inside, we waited until the song was over. I always wondered if he was scared for me, or if he was scared for himself because he never showed me. However, I knew after that night how much he loved me even though I was having a hard time accepting it and the fact that we were so far apart.
There were so many challenges to overcome in my life and fighting for my life would be the "mother" of all challenges.
I believe even more powerful than the lyrics, were the women in the music video sharing their personal stories. One woman who stood out to me the most was the one who said she was diagnosed on tax day, April 15th. I hadn't had a really good cry over what was happening to me and her words brought out such a raw emotion in me that I can't put it into my own words. However, she managed to convey what I was feeling. "They always loved on me, and never made me feel like a burden."
I was and am truly blessed to be surrounded by family who love me and wanted to protect me in the only ways they knew how. For my father, it was helping me with my finances and being there for me when he could. I know how much he hates hospitals, but he flew in just to be there for me and take care of me afterwards.
My aunt promised my mother that she would watch over her children, and my aunt has lived up to her promise. She held my hand when the oncologist told me I had stage IV breast cancer. She made the phone calls to family that I couldn't make. She changed her incredibly busy schedule around so she could be there for me during each of my surgeries. She cried with me when my breast cancer surgeon said the pathology report was clear and they got all of the cancer. I will never be able to repay her back except maybe to pay it forward to someone else!
"Now, it's forced smiles and baggy shirts, to hide what the cancer took from her she just wants to feel like a woman again. She said I don't think I can do this anymore, he took her in his arms and said that's what my love is for."
I was sitting on the edge of my bed getting ready to take a shower for the first time since my double mastectomy. I was so scared as to what I was about to see, but with the help of my aunt I managed to get through it.
You know what's cool about winter? Sweaters and bulky coats. I think I was more self-conscience of my appearance than anything. Half the time people couldn't even tell I had no breasts. I finally felt some-what normal. I loved going into Kwik Shop every day and joke around with staff. They made me laugh and forget I had what I thought was a death sentence hanging over my head.
With a cancer diagnosis, there is the fear of the unknown. You can't hide from it, you can't run from it, you can't ignore it, you simply can't escape it. However, you can rise above it just as the survivors and caretakers symbolically demonstrated at the end of the video with the lanterns filling the sky and giving it all to God. You have to believe that you will get through this.
I am about a month from turning 39 and approaching my "technical" one year anniversary of having NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER! One year since my final radiation treatment, and two years since my last chemotherapy treatment. Thank you to my family and friends and the healing power of Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It."
How powerful those lyrics were to me when I heard Martina McBride's rendition of, I'm Gonna Love You Through It.
The first time I heard this song on the radio, I had to pull over because I couldn't stop crying. The second time I listened to this song, I cranked up the volume and sang along even though I could never sound as beautiful as Martina, nor could I reach those high notes! The third time, I was with my husband on our way back from a chemotherapy treatment. He had turned the back of the SUV in to a bed for me by laying blankets down for padding and making sure I was comfortable. I asked him, "Can you turn it up please?" Although he was quiet, I knew those lyrics touched him as well. We pulled into the parking lot at our local Kwik Shop, and instead of killing the engine and going inside, we waited until the song was over. I always wondered if he was scared for me, or if he was scared for himself because he never showed me. However, I knew after that night how much he loved me even though I was having a hard time accepting it and the fact that we were so far apart.
There were so many challenges to overcome in my life and fighting for my life would be the "mother" of all challenges.
I believe even more powerful than the lyrics, were the women in the music video sharing their personal stories. One woman who stood out to me the most was the one who said she was diagnosed on tax day, April 15th. I hadn't had a really good cry over what was happening to me and her words brought out such a raw emotion in me that I can't put it into my own words. However, she managed to convey what I was feeling. "They always loved on me, and never made me feel like a burden."
Katie Couric said in the video, "I'm lucky that I have a family who are incredibly supportive."
I was and am truly blessed to be surrounded by family who love me and wanted to protect me in the only ways they knew how. For my father, it was helping me with my finances and being there for me when he could. I know how much he hates hospitals, but he flew in just to be there for me and take care of me afterwards.
My aunt promised my mother that she would watch over her children, and my aunt has lived up to her promise. She held my hand when the oncologist told me I had stage IV breast cancer. She made the phone calls to family that I couldn't make. She changed her incredibly busy schedule around so she could be there for me during each of my surgeries. She cried with me when my breast cancer surgeon said the pathology report was clear and they got all of the cancer. I will never be able to repay her back except maybe to pay it forward to someone else!
My sister-in-law who I felt was more my sister than an in-law was always there to listen to me whenever I called her. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but she was always supportive of me. She made a point to tell me how much she loved this song as well, as it was released at the same time of my diagnosis.
Every day my best friend who I call my sister, made it easier for me, and I love you. You made it okay for me to cry, and laugh. You were also my escape from my over-protective family. Three years later, and we're still coming up with jokes about tassels on the perky "girls."
Every day my best friend who I call my sister, made it easier for me, and I love you. You made it okay for me to cry, and laugh. You were also my escape from my over-protective family. Three years later, and we're still coming up with jokes about tassels on the perky "girls."
I was sitting on the edge of my bed getting ready to take a shower for the first time since my double mastectomy. I was so scared as to what I was about to see, but with the help of my aunt I managed to get through it.
You know what's cool about winter? Sweaters and bulky coats. I think I was more self-conscience of my appearance than anything. Half the time people couldn't even tell I had no breasts. I finally felt some-what normal. I loved going into Kwik Shop every day and joke around with staff. They made me laugh and forget I had what I thought was a death sentence hanging over my head.
With a cancer diagnosis, there is the fear of the unknown. You can't hide from it, you can't run from it, you can't ignore it, you simply can't escape it. However, you can rise above it just as the survivors and caretakers symbolically demonstrated at the end of the video with the lanterns filling the sky and giving it all to God. You have to believe that you will get through this.
I am about a month from turning 39 and approaching my "technical" one year anniversary of having NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER! One year since my final radiation treatment, and two years since my last chemotherapy treatment. Thank you to my family and friends and the healing power of Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It."
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
#RHOBH recap
Monday night seems to be the night for reality, trashy tv, but I have to say I look forward to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am not ashamed to say so. I do have to say I found last night's episode a bit flat though although discovering Lisa and Ken decided to leave Puerto Rico in the middle of the night was a shocker. The other housewives and househusbands criticized them for walking away from being bullied and ganged up on, but I can't say that I blame them. Who would want to spend their entire vacation defending themselves to people who don't believe them anyway?
Does anyone else think this might be the end for Lisa on the show? After all, Camille, Taylor, and Adrienne walked away from the show after a similar situation happened to them. I wonder if the producers of #RHOBH understand that some of these women are probably all going through PMS at the same time as much time as they are required to spend together for taping.
Oh, how I feel for their poor husbands. I have to say though that I am happy to see that chivalry still exists. Yes, the housewives should speak for themselves, but there is nothing wrong with their husbands defending their actions and basically telling off the other housewives, "Do not speak to my wife that way."
Do these women not have anything else better to do with their time then fight over a stupid tabloid that Lisa may or may not have told Brandy to bring with her. What I find even more funny, is that while the women are attacking Lisa, why did Brandy have the magazine in the first place. If Kyle is going to be upset with anyone, maybe it should be Brandy for feeding into the tabloid craze and having it in her possession in the first place.
Yolanda and Kim are a bit too sappy for my taste saying goodbye to their daughter's as they head to college. It's not the end of the world. Is it possible these women are so emotional because they know longer have someone they can't vent to about the other women on the show? I think we spent at least half of the episode watching them say goodbye to their daughters.
Was anyone else excited to see Taylor make a cameo appearance? Carlton actually had some air time too, consoling Lisa after the good cry she had. Was that even a real cry? Haha.
I know I'm leaving out content from the show, but I just didn't feel it was necessary to write about. I can't wait to see what happens on the season finale though and the reunion show.
Does anyone else think this might be the end for Lisa on the show? After all, Camille, Taylor, and Adrienne walked away from the show after a similar situation happened to them. I wonder if the producers of #RHOBH understand that some of these women are probably all going through PMS at the same time as much time as they are required to spend together for taping.
Oh, how I feel for their poor husbands. I have to say though that I am happy to see that chivalry still exists. Yes, the housewives should speak for themselves, but there is nothing wrong with their husbands defending their actions and basically telling off the other housewives, "Do not speak to my wife that way."
Do these women not have anything else better to do with their time then fight over a stupid tabloid that Lisa may or may not have told Brandy to bring with her. What I find even more funny, is that while the women are attacking Lisa, why did Brandy have the magazine in the first place. If Kyle is going to be upset with anyone, maybe it should be Brandy for feeding into the tabloid craze and having it in her possession in the first place.
Yolanda and Kim are a bit too sappy for my taste saying goodbye to their daughter's as they head to college. It's not the end of the world. Is it possible these women are so emotional because they know longer have someone they can't vent to about the other women on the show? I think we spent at least half of the episode watching them say goodbye to their daughters.
Was anyone else excited to see Taylor make a cameo appearance? Carlton actually had some air time too, consoling Lisa after the good cry she had. Was that even a real cry? Haha.
I know I'm leaving out content from the show, but I just didn't feel it was necessary to write about. I can't wait to see what happens on the season finale though and the reunion show.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
RHOB the saga continues against Lisa Vanderpump....
One thing I have to say I missed while I was in the hospital was the ability to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Fortunately, BravoTV reairs episodes and I managed to catch up on the missed episode.
While Joyce was visiting with her family, Yolanda, Brandy, Kim, and Kyle reminded me of the Witches of Eastwick. I can certainly understand why Brandy would be upset with Lisa V. about inviting Scheena to her party and asking Brandy to speak to her, but really let it go already. So Scheena slept with your ex-husband. She's moved on with her life and is engaged to be married so why can't you let it go and move on? You'll be much happier for it. Like you, Lisa has taken Scheena under her wings and wants to help her see the way to her salvation. Of course you are still heartbroken over the betrayal, but if you hang onto the anger, you're letting your ex-husband win. There is something to be said for girl power and maybe, just maybe that's what Lisa is trying to show you. Instead of being hurt and upset, put your best foot forward.
The woman of the the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are crying over their own spilled milk. Once you put yourself in the public limelight, you can't exactly blame the tabloids for starting rumors. You are in a market that is selling something. What that something is, I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's the envy and the lifestyle you all possess. However, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things who is talking about who because you are all in it to be noticed and talked about. That's the price of fame I suppose.
I can appreciate Yolanda wanting to stick up for Brandy, however, Lisa tried to do the same thing. Although her style of approach may have been different, I really believe Lisa was trying to teach Brandy a little bit of class and respect for herself.
As for the newcomers Carlton and Joyce I have not yet formed an opinion. Although Carlton comes across as dark, you can't fault her for her passion.
I don't think there was anything wrong with Ken defending his wife. Any good husband would have done the same thing. I do believe Kim was out of line for the way she spoke to him though. It's kind of funny how these women are so quick to throw the other one under the bus, yet their feelers get hurt when someone else does it to them.
While Joyce was visiting with her family, Yolanda, Brandy, Kim, and Kyle reminded me of the Witches of Eastwick. I can certainly understand why Brandy would be upset with Lisa V. about inviting Scheena to her party and asking Brandy to speak to her, but really let it go already. So Scheena slept with your ex-husband. She's moved on with her life and is engaged to be married so why can't you let it go and move on? You'll be much happier for it. Like you, Lisa has taken Scheena under her wings and wants to help her see the way to her salvation. Of course you are still heartbroken over the betrayal, but if you hang onto the anger, you're letting your ex-husband win. There is something to be said for girl power and maybe, just maybe that's what Lisa is trying to show you. Instead of being hurt and upset, put your best foot forward.
The woman of the the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are crying over their own spilled milk. Once you put yourself in the public limelight, you can't exactly blame the tabloids for starting rumors. You are in a market that is selling something. What that something is, I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps it's the envy and the lifestyle you all possess. However, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things who is talking about who because you are all in it to be noticed and talked about. That's the price of fame I suppose.
I can appreciate Yolanda wanting to stick up for Brandy, however, Lisa tried to do the same thing. Although her style of approach may have been different, I really believe Lisa was trying to teach Brandy a little bit of class and respect for herself.
As for the newcomers Carlton and Joyce I have not yet formed an opinion. Although Carlton comes across as dark, you can't fault her for her passion.
I don't think there was anything wrong with Ken defending his wife. Any good husband would have done the same thing. I do believe Kim was out of line for the way she spoke to him though. It's kind of funny how these women are so quick to throw the other one under the bus, yet their feelers get hurt when someone else does it to them.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
SALLY HANSEN COMPLETE SALON MANICURE #CSMTKO
Imagine an evening all to yourself without kids whining in the background or a husband watching sports center. Now, imagine your favorite genre of music playing in the background. What's a girl to do? How about trying the Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure?
Three fantastic shades of color, Red My Lips, Jaded, and Pat on the Black arrived on my doorstep last week via Influenster.com and Sally Hansen.
Three fantastic shades of color, Red My Lips, Jaded, and Pat on the Black arrived on my doorstep last week via Influenster.com and Sally Hansen.
COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU
Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure
7 benefits, 1 bottle
Base Coat
Strengthener
Growth Treatment
Color
Top Coat
Chip Resistant
Gel Shine Finish
The sleek design and shine of the bottles captivates the eye, and Sally Hansen claims this unique system has it all.
When I apply nail polish it's almost as laughable as watching me try to parallel park. I can hear my sister shouting at me in the background, "No, pull forward, turn your wheel, watch out you're going to hit their bumper!" When applying nail polish I hear her saying, "Stay on the nail, you're getting it on everything!" I am happy to report I stayed on my nail courtesy of the awesome brush design and only had a little mishap keeping it off my skin. That was all me of course, I cannot blame Sally Hansen for that one.
I don't have a fancy ultra-violet drying system so I had to let these puppies air dry. I did feel this product took longer to dry than a typical nail polish. In part, because of the second coat. DO NOT TOUCH NAIL POLISH WHILE IN DRYING MODE! I don't know how many times I had to redo my nails because of a smudge here or there. Shaky hands and nail polish don't mix very well. I am happy to say though that I did like the finished product mistakes and all!
I am currently on day three of this polish adventure and am happy to report no chips as of yet, and yes it does leave a glossy look!
Like a little girl wearing a party dress, I am excited to see if this product actually strengthens your nails or not. Too early in the game for me to comment one way or the other.
I encourage all of you to visit Sally Hansen's facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/SallyHansen to see what other reviewers are saying about this innovative product and be sure to follow on twitter @SallyHansen. You can also see what other women are saying at http://www.sallyhansen.com/BattleoftheBottles. #CSMTKO
(I received these products complimentary for testing purposes from Influenster.)
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Meaningful Beauty Creme de Serum
Who doesn't want to look younger? Who wouldn't love to feel beautiful and have radiant looking skin? I know I certainly would!
I just attended a twitter party for Meaningful Beauty Crème de Serum and learned so much! Meaningful Beauty has a whole array of skin care products that will surely leave you tempted to go and check it out! You can also get a preview of the products at
(The following picture and description is credited to www.meaningfulbeauty.com )
http://www.meaningfulbeauty.com/products/products,default,pg.html
This crème de la crème treatment takes a triple approach to combating the signs of aging with three powerful anti-aging ingredients: superantioxidant melon complex, anti-aging peptides and hyaluronic acid. Combining the power of a serum with the rich, moisturizing effects of a crème, this super-boost is designed to help protect, increase hydration and prevent the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
I just attended a twitter party for Meaningful Beauty Crème de Serum and learned so much! Meaningful Beauty has a whole array of skin care products that will surely leave you tempted to go and check it out! You can also get a preview of the products at
(The following picture and description is credited to www.meaningfulbeauty.com )
http://www.meaningfulbeauty.com/products/products,default,pg.html
Crème de Sérum
This crème de la crème treatment takes a triple approach to combating the signs of aging with three powerful anti-aging ingredients: superantioxidant melon complex, anti-aging peptides and hyaluronic acid. Combining the power of a serum with the rich, moisturizing effects of a crème, this super-boost is designed to help protect, increase hydration and prevent the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Recap of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
I am so excited the new season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has arrived! First and foremost, I loved watching Lisa Vanderpump on Dancing With the Stars. The cattiness of the other wives about her supposed "fake" fainting spell does beg the question, "Did she really fake it?" Who are we to judge? I mean really, can you imagine everything that she does, plus having to learn all of those dance steps. I'd say her eye candy hunk of a partner would definitely leave her wanting more. I mean after all, her hubby has Brandy to gawk over.
I'm a little sad to see Adrienne go, but the new wife seems to be very forward about her opinions of the other ladies.
Kim Richards just isn't that entertaining. The producers must seem to think so since they've introduced her dog as a new cast member. Will Richards actually stay sober this season, or will she lapse to bring up the ratings?
In the same breath, are we tired of Kyle yet? I mean really, all she contributes to the show is her judgemental attitude towards the other women. And she wonders why no one likes her. I'm sorry, I just think she's a bit unforgettable and not that interesting.,
We can always rely on Brandy to bring on the drama, but I have to admit I'm beginning to love her take it or leave it attitude. I'm sorry, but I do feel there is a little bit of jealousy from the other wives. You have to give Brandy credit for making her presence known in this little clique of women.
I'm sure Yolanda has been through a lot with her disease, but why did they make such a big deal about having surgery to remove her port? I mean really, it's just a port. Kudos to her though for pushing through her disease and making it to the other side. Let's focus on her journey, rather than the flipping port.
Last but not least, Taylor has found a man. She seems to be genuinely happy, and instead of the drama surrounding her like in season's past, she has risen above it all!
What I like about some of these women is that they are their own person. They don't hide behind their husbands, well at least some of them don't and they do emulate empowerment if you can look past the drama!
Happy viewing!!
I'm a little sad to see Adrienne go, but the new wife seems to be very forward about her opinions of the other ladies.
Kim Richards just isn't that entertaining. The producers must seem to think so since they've introduced her dog as a new cast member. Will Richards actually stay sober this season, or will she lapse to bring up the ratings?
In the same breath, are we tired of Kyle yet? I mean really, all she contributes to the show is her judgemental attitude towards the other women. And she wonders why no one likes her. I'm sorry, I just think she's a bit unforgettable and not that interesting.,
We can always rely on Brandy to bring on the drama, but I have to admit I'm beginning to love her take it or leave it attitude. I'm sorry, but I do feel there is a little bit of jealousy from the other wives. You have to give Brandy credit for making her presence known in this little clique of women.
I'm sure Yolanda has been through a lot with her disease, but why did they make such a big deal about having surgery to remove her port? I mean really, it's just a port. Kudos to her though for pushing through her disease and making it to the other side. Let's focus on her journey, rather than the flipping port.
Last but not least, Taylor has found a man. She seems to be genuinely happy, and instead of the drama surrounding her like in season's past, she has risen above it all!
What I like about some of these women is that they are their own person. They don't hide behind their husbands, well at least some of them don't and they do emulate empowerment if you can look past the drama!
Happy viewing!!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Making Strides Against Breast Cancer
I had the opportunity to participate and volunteer at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer of Kansas City, MO at Liberty Memorial this past Saturday. What an amazing event! Over 15,000 walkers supporting Making Strides. 1 out 2 women reach out to American Cancer Society for help! I was one of those women!
We had a beautiful crisp day and saw people in boas, bras, and pink beehive hairstyles. Anything goes at the Making Strides walk. I was blessed to stay warm in a cozy Under Armour hoodie, which I absolutely love.
I was able to share this event with my sister, Melanie and awesome staff from American Cancer Society! All in all it was a great day!!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Say Yes!
Jeff Probst use to preach on his talk show to "Say yes." Say yes to opportunities even if you're not so sure about them, or if you don't want to put yourself out there. I've been saying "yes" to invitations and putting myself out there that a few years ago, I probably wouldn't have.
A few months ago, the director of Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO invited me to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk kick-off breakfast and then asked me if I would be a team leader. She thought I might be interested. I wasn't so sure about all of that, but in the end I said yes and put I myself out there. Granted, this is my first year doing this and I only have two or three people on my team, but I am so excited about this event. I can't wait to be around other women like me who have gone through what I have gone through! I can't wait to hear their stories and meet new people.
Last week, I had the opportunity to speak to about 50 medical students at KCUMB and share my story with them to maybe help them become better doctors. I met another cancer survivor and the director of the Bloch Foundation in Kansas City, MO. Two really terrific women. I was extremely nervous considering I didn't really have anything prepared, but I was so glad I went. A big shout out to Sara Murphy for suggesting my name and to Lauren Harriet for getting me there!
Wendy Nielson, a fellow blogger had a fantastic idea to reach out to women living with breast cancer and decided to do a series for the month of October entitled, "Writing a New Story." I decided to reach out and answer her questions and the interview went beautifully. You can find me over at Wendy's Blog, http://wendy-nielsen.com/2013/10/18/leslie-jones/.
I guess for me saying yes is my new story. My self-image is changing, my thought process is changing all for the better I might add! So the next time you're asked do something and you're not so sure about it, just breathe and take the risk. You never know what is around the corner!
I'd love to hear from you about your say yes moments!!
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCCY13PL?team_id=1465408&pg=team&fr_id=55853
A few months ago, the director of Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO invited me to the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk kick-off breakfast and then asked me if I would be a team leader. She thought I might be interested. I wasn't so sure about all of that, but in the end I said yes and put I myself out there. Granted, this is my first year doing this and I only have two or three people on my team, but I am so excited about this event. I can't wait to be around other women like me who have gone through what I have gone through! I can't wait to hear their stories and meet new people.
Last week, I had the opportunity to speak to about 50 medical students at KCUMB and share my story with them to maybe help them become better doctors. I met another cancer survivor and the director of the Bloch Foundation in Kansas City, MO. Two really terrific women. I was extremely nervous considering I didn't really have anything prepared, but I was so glad I went. A big shout out to Sara Murphy for suggesting my name and to Lauren Harriet for getting me there!
Wendy Nielson, a fellow blogger had a fantastic idea to reach out to women living with breast cancer and decided to do a series for the month of October entitled, "Writing a New Story." I decided to reach out and answer her questions and the interview went beautifully. You can find me over at Wendy's Blog, http://wendy-nielsen.com/2013/10/18/leslie-jones/.
I guess for me saying yes is my new story. My self-image is changing, my thought process is changing all for the better I might add! So the next time you're asked do something and you're not so sure about it, just breathe and take the risk. You never know what is around the corner!
I'd love to hear from you about your say yes moments!!
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCCY13PL?team_id=1465408&pg=team&fr_id=55853
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Battle Goddess (My best friend lent this term to describe me, I love you Melanie Craig!!!)
MAKING STRIDES AGAINST BREAST CANCER
Living life the best way I know how. Backing down from the fight is not an option. I write to keep my story from fading into the shadows of a scan.
There wasn’t any time to react to the news I had just been
given. There wasn’t any time to cry, or yell, or scream. There wasn’t time to
curl up under your covers and pretend like this never happened to you.
“You have cancer.” Dr. M said.
“No, it’s just like last time, it’s just a clogged duct.” I replied.
“Are you sure?” I questioned.
Dr. M was the top breast cancer surgeon in her field. She
absolutely knew what she was talking about. There was no mistake about it, I
had breast cancer. I couldn’t run out of the room. I couldn’t leave and smoke a
cigarette. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have anyone there with me, because
I didn’t think I needed anyone there with me. It was just a check-up, maybe a
biopsy because they weren’t sure it was cancer, but to be told you have cancer
without any kind of testing is frightening to say the least.
“We need to run some tests.” Dr. M said. “Can you stay the
rest of the day?”
“Yes.” I said. I knew if I had left that day, I wouldn’t
have gone back. I knew my husband and family would want answers and Dr. M
really didn’t give me the option to leave. She knew my personality. She knew I
was scared.
“Is there anyone I can call for you?” Dr. M asked.
“No.” I said
Part of my story includes what I call my breast cancer
statistics. I can’t say I don’t have any emotion over these numbers and medical
terms, because I do. Even after three years, it’s difficult for me to look at
this piece of paper.
Breast, left 11:00 12cm ftn with calcs, core biopsy:
Invasive mammary carcinoma, ductal type, nuclear grade 3,
poorly diffentiated.
Lymph node, left axilla no calcs, core bipsy. Metastatic carcinoma
with breast primary.
I had no comprehension of what was going to happen to me
over the course of the next two years. There were certain points during
chemotherapy that I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I often thought to
myself, why am I putting myself through this? What kind of quality of life is?
Was this really what God had planned for me?
The breast cancer diagnosis was just the beginning though.
My marriage was failing, I was separated from my kids, and I felt all alone. I
only shared my true diagnosis with a few select people and I didn’t want my
medical information broadcasted for everyone to know. I wanted it to be mine
for just a little while. This was happening to me. God, I couldn’t even look my
kids in the eye because I didn’t know how I was going to share this news with
them. I wasn’t confident that I was
going to beat this when all the statistics said I wouldn’t.
There were people in my life who stood by me, like my dad, my
aunt, and my best friend. There were people in my life who tried to manipulate
me and were successful at it for a little while.
There really is hope. I have to believe that. I look for hope
daily. Every three month check-up, I pray that my scans are clear. There are
more positive days these days, then negative ones and for that I am grateful.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Getting fit after Breast Cancer
I suppose the next phase of my life is to get healthy and get into shape. I always knew exercise=positive mental attitude, but I never but much stock into that until I did it myself. I have thank you's for a couple of people I've met during my cancer journey and you know you are.
The first thank you is to the director of Hope Lodge. During my last stay there, she approached me as I was getting ready to leave and asked me if I'd be interested in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. I wasn't really sure about it at the time, but I knew I wanted to do something like this. There is something empowering about being around women who have had similar experiences as you're own. I wanted my story out there, and I wanted to make a difference.
Of course, my sister, Melanie, would say I'm being narcissistic, but at this point in my life, I'm allowed to be narcissistic. I'm allowed to think about just me and what I want out of my life. I'm allowed to want to share my story; the good, the bad, the evil and all the other emotions entangled with having breast cancer. Whenever she makes fun of me I just respond ever so casually, "Shut-up!"
How in the world was I going to be able to walk a three-five mile walk when I've been inactive for the past two years? Where was all that energy going to come from.
A month later, we learned that Genesis Health Club in Salina, KS was hosting a fitness challenge and from there the "Mom Squad" was born. Oh, did I happen to mention the final prize was a three-day trip to Las Vegas? Hell yeah. Why not? What better motivator than a trip to Las Vegas?
The moment of truth: the weigh in. I really didn't want to share this part, but I suppose full disclosure is what this is all about. My beginning weight: 188lbs. Every time I would have a check-up I seemed to gain at least ten pounds. When I was going through chemotherapy, I weighed 120lbs. Let me tell you now, the weight doesn't stay off.
What's even more frustrating is when we work out together. I constantly catch myself checking out where she is on the treadmill. How fast she is going, how many calories she has lost etc. I have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't her body. Her body hasn't gone through what my body has gone through the last two years.
I can't walk at a 5 speed, 10 incline. I'm lucky to get above a 2.5 speed with a 4 incline. My doctor tells me that it will be months before I will be able to do more than that. I suppose I have to start somewhere though. I keep saying to myself, "Damn it, I want that trip to Vegas. How am I suppose to lose weight when I'm barely walking?"
The good news to date is that I've lost six pounds and she's lost seven pounds. I attempted Genesis' boot camp and made it through two stations and she managed to make it all the way through four. I am proud of her. Sometimes though I want to bitch slap her when she yells at me about buying pasta.
I just have to remind myself this is not only about the trip to Las Vegas. Exercising is life changing for me. I feel better about myself. I have more of a positive outlook on life, even when Melanie is yelling at me. (She doesn't always yell at me, I'm just making her out to be a royal pain in my ass.)
I will also have the energy and the motivation to complete the 3-5 mile Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at the end of October!
The first thank you is to the director of Hope Lodge. During my last stay there, she approached me as I was getting ready to leave and asked me if I'd be interested in Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk. I wasn't really sure about it at the time, but I knew I wanted to do something like this. There is something empowering about being around women who have had similar experiences as you're own. I wanted my story out there, and I wanted to make a difference.
Of course, my sister, Melanie, would say I'm being narcissistic, but at this point in my life, I'm allowed to be narcissistic. I'm allowed to think about just me and what I want out of my life. I'm allowed to want to share my story; the good, the bad, the evil and all the other emotions entangled with having breast cancer. Whenever she makes fun of me I just respond ever so casually, "Shut-up!"
How in the world was I going to be able to walk a three-five mile walk when I've been inactive for the past two years? Where was all that energy going to come from.
A month later, we learned that Genesis Health Club in Salina, KS was hosting a fitness challenge and from there the "Mom Squad" was born. Oh, did I happen to mention the final prize was a three-day trip to Las Vegas? Hell yeah. Why not? What better motivator than a trip to Las Vegas?
The moment of truth: the weigh in. I really didn't want to share this part, but I suppose full disclosure is what this is all about. My beginning weight: 188lbs. Every time I would have a check-up I seemed to gain at least ten pounds. When I was going through chemotherapy, I weighed 120lbs. Let me tell you now, the weight doesn't stay off.
What's even more frustrating is when we work out together. I constantly catch myself checking out where she is on the treadmill. How fast she is going, how many calories she has lost etc. I have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't her body. Her body hasn't gone through what my body has gone through the last two years.
I can't walk at a 5 speed, 10 incline. I'm lucky to get above a 2.5 speed with a 4 incline. My doctor tells me that it will be months before I will be able to do more than that. I suppose I have to start somewhere though. I keep saying to myself, "Damn it, I want that trip to Vegas. How am I suppose to lose weight when I'm barely walking?"
The good news to date is that I've lost six pounds and she's lost seven pounds. I attempted Genesis' boot camp and made it through two stations and she managed to make it all the way through four. I am proud of her. Sometimes though I want to bitch slap her when she yells at me about buying pasta.
I just have to remind myself this is not only about the trip to Las Vegas. Exercising is life changing for me. I feel better about myself. I have more of a positive outlook on life, even when Melanie is yelling at me. (She doesn't always yell at me, I'm just making her out to be a royal pain in my ass.)
I will also have the energy and the motivation to complete the 3-5 mile Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at the end of October!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I sat in Level Lab 2 at Westwood Cancer Center, otherwise known as "The Clinic" awaiting to have blood drawn for my routine lab work. What makes this particular waiting room different from others is that 90 percent of these people have cancer, or waiting to be told they have cancer. Women and men with brave smiles conversing with their loved ones just to pass the time. You know that smile I'm talking about. The smile that says, "Yes I'm okay on the outside, but on the inside I'm full of fear, anger, elation, and a whole lot of other emotions that have yet to be assigned a name."
I had my three month check-up last week and came out with flying colors! You would have thought I would have been ecstatic, but I was full of anger and pain. Dr. Mcginness walked in the room and immediately knew something was wrong. As she was commenting on how much she loved my hair and my curls, I was trying to hold back the tears. For so long, I've sucked up the pain, I've sucked up the disappointment, but today I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. My oncologist, Dr. Sharma, told me I would have to wait until next March before I could get my reconstruction surgery.
Not only was I dealing with my self-confidence and my appearance, it was one more year of not having breasts, and being stuck in Kansas and apart from my family. My husband and I have had our share of marital issues and trying to rebuild a broken marriage. I have battled emotional demons that I'm finally getting a handle on, (no it is not bi-polar although I do have bi-polar tendencies) which has affected my marriage and my children and then to pile on the emotional trauma of having cancer it just never seems to end. In that appointment with Dr. M, everything snowballed on me all at once.
God love Dr. M though. She gave me a long hug and told and tried to make me feel better. "Look how far you've come in the last year." She said with a huge smile on her face. "Dr. Sharma is looking at the whole picture. She wants to give your body a chance to recover. You have been through so much with chemo, radiation, surgeries."
I completely understand all of that, but damn it's frustrating. I told my sister tonight that I have absolutely no sex drive. As I mentioned, my husband and I have had marital issues and I get that can also affect your sex drive, but I could really care less about it. I mean, a woman's breasts are a major physical attraction in men. I am so scared that without my breasts, it's just going to feel weird. When Dr. M asks me what's wrong, how was I suppose to explain all of this to her? She spent an hour with me though as I unloaded on her. Fortunately, I was her last appointment of the day.
However, that wasn't the only thing wrong. How fair is it that Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield may potentially deny me coverage because of a pre-existing condition so I am stuck with Medicaid? How fair is that Medicaid says that I can't make over $400/month or I won't be covered? How fair is it that without my Social Security I wouldn't be able to qualify for Medicaid? How fair is it that IF and that's a big IF that even if I did get covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield, my medical expenses would bankrupt my husband and I? Conclusion? My husband and I would have to maintain separate residences so as not defraud Medicaid and we will potentially have to get a divorce to keep our finances separate.
Then, Dr. Sharma wants to put me on a bone medicine to keep the cancer from spreading to my bones. In order to do this though, I have to have my teeth extracted and get dentures which means six weeks of no teeth! Great. How the hell are you suppose to eat with no teeth? Come to find out this medicine she wants me to take isn't in pill form. I have to have it done intravenously. So now I have a whole new set of questions that didn't get answered. Is this chemo? Will I lose my hair? Will it make me sick? How often will I have to go back to Kansas City to get injected? (Mind you, these were questions that hadn't even crossed my mind. My sister came up with these.)
I am smiling a little more. I do have the future to look forward to. I can smile when I tell my kids how much I love them, and I can smile that I passed my three month check-up with flying colors. I can smile that I have a loving family and friends who support me and are there for me when I truly need them. And lastly, I can smile with certainty that I will one day have my family together and our situation for now may be difficult, but we will get through!
I had my three month check-up last week and came out with flying colors! You would have thought I would have been ecstatic, but I was full of anger and pain. Dr. Mcginness walked in the room and immediately knew something was wrong. As she was commenting on how much she loved my hair and my curls, I was trying to hold back the tears. For so long, I've sucked up the pain, I've sucked up the disappointment, but today I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. My oncologist, Dr. Sharma, told me I would have to wait until next March before I could get my reconstruction surgery.
Not only was I dealing with my self-confidence and my appearance, it was one more year of not having breasts, and being stuck in Kansas and apart from my family. My husband and I have had our share of marital issues and trying to rebuild a broken marriage. I have battled emotional demons that I'm finally getting a handle on, (no it is not bi-polar although I do have bi-polar tendencies) which has affected my marriage and my children and then to pile on the emotional trauma of having cancer it just never seems to end. In that appointment with Dr. M, everything snowballed on me all at once.
God love Dr. M though. She gave me a long hug and told and tried to make me feel better. "Look how far you've come in the last year." She said with a huge smile on her face. "Dr. Sharma is looking at the whole picture. She wants to give your body a chance to recover. You have been through so much with chemo, radiation, surgeries."
I completely understand all of that, but damn it's frustrating. I told my sister tonight that I have absolutely no sex drive. As I mentioned, my husband and I have had marital issues and I get that can also affect your sex drive, but I could really care less about it. I mean, a woman's breasts are a major physical attraction in men. I am so scared that without my breasts, it's just going to feel weird. When Dr. M asks me what's wrong, how was I suppose to explain all of this to her? She spent an hour with me though as I unloaded on her. Fortunately, I was her last appointment of the day.
However, that wasn't the only thing wrong. How fair is it that Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield may potentially deny me coverage because of a pre-existing condition so I am stuck with Medicaid? How fair is that Medicaid says that I can't make over $400/month or I won't be covered? How fair is it that without my Social Security I wouldn't be able to qualify for Medicaid? How fair is it that IF and that's a big IF that even if I did get covered by Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield, my medical expenses would bankrupt my husband and I? Conclusion? My husband and I would have to maintain separate residences so as not defraud Medicaid and we will potentially have to get a divorce to keep our finances separate.
Then, Dr. Sharma wants to put me on a bone medicine to keep the cancer from spreading to my bones. In order to do this though, I have to have my teeth extracted and get dentures which means six weeks of no teeth! Great. How the hell are you suppose to eat with no teeth? Come to find out this medicine she wants me to take isn't in pill form. I have to have it done intravenously. So now I have a whole new set of questions that didn't get answered. Is this chemo? Will I lose my hair? Will it make me sick? How often will I have to go back to Kansas City to get injected? (Mind you, these were questions that hadn't even crossed my mind. My sister came up with these.)
I am smiling a little more. I do have the future to look forward to. I can smile when I tell my kids how much I love them, and I can smile that I passed my three month check-up with flying colors. I can smile that I have a loving family and friends who support me and are there for me when I truly need them. And lastly, I can smile with certainty that I will one day have my family together and our situation for now may be difficult, but we will get through!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
What Now?
For the last year and a half, my life has been comprised of doctor's appointments, scans, biopsies, surgeries, counseling, fighting matches, stress, tears, fear of the unknown, meds (at one time I was on 20 different kinds of drugs,) court dates, seclusion, and so many other emotions I don't think there are words that have been created yet to describe these feelings.
I honestly did not want to do my radiations. The thought that radiation causes cancer and the thought that I could develop a hole in my chest wall or my sternum scared the shit out of me. I was scared of staying at the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO, and being away from the closest people in my life. I didn't want to miss out on anything important in my children's life while I would be away for the long, six weeks. Another perspective though is yes, I would be missing out, but at least I'll be able to enjoy more time with them in the long run.
Much to my surprise I've enjoyed the time I have spent at the Hope Lodge. People ask me what it's like at the Hope Lodge so this is my chance to share the wonderful experiences.
You wouldn't think that you could become close to people in such a short amount of time, but as many of us say, "We're all here for the same reason," so of course we all share a common bond. Some of these people I feel like I've known for my whole life. Take for example, Larry and Audry. By all appearances they look like they're father and daughter, but as Audry states instead of Larry "robbing the cradle," she's "robbing the grave." Once you sit down with them and get to know them you understand why they work so well together.
In many families, the one you're born into and the one you're adopted into everyone has his or her role. Even when you're put with complete strangers at first.
Nicky and Albert are my next favorite people. Nicky, of course, is the resident "house" mom as I like to call her. She makes sure those of us without caregivers always have food in front of us. I swear with her cooking I've probably gained five pounds since I've been here. Between her and others someone is always putting food in front of me.
Now, we have those patients who love to give away sweets and thanks to Miss June and Cookie, I've gained two pounds from cinnamon rolls. You know the ones I'm talking about. Frosting dripping throughout the roll with extra frosting on top. The great, big ones that probably have 2000 calories and 20-30 grams of fat in just one.
But let me tell you, they are totally worth the 2-3 pounds gained. Haha. Then, Cookie of course, is posting all of these awesome decadent recipes on her facebook. I mean Reese's Peanut Buttercup frozen pie, come on. I'm trying to lose a few pounds, not put more on by just looking at a picture. I really think you can gain weight by just looking at one of these pictures.
In many families, the one you're born into and the one you're adopted into everyone has his or her role. Even when you're put with complete strangers at first.
Nicky and Albert are my next favorite people. Nicky, of course, is the resident "house" mom as I like to call her. She makes sure those of us without caregivers always have food in front of us. I swear with her cooking I've probably gained five pounds since I've been here. Between her and others someone is always putting food in front of me.
 |
| (Did I mention her nickname is Cookie? I guess that should have been my first clue that she was going to re-introduce me to the world of sweets after chemotherapy. Haha) |
 |
| Miss June frosting those cupcakes for the Texas Hold'em dinner at Hope Lodge. Cookie's daughter raised $3,500 in support of The Hope Lodge. What an awesome person to do that!! |
But let me tell you, they are totally worth the 2-3 pounds gained. Haha. Then, Cookie of course, is posting all of these awesome decadent recipes on her facebook. I mean Reese's Peanut Buttercup frozen pie, come on. I'm trying to lose a few pounds, not put more on by just looking at a picture. I really think you can gain weight by just looking at one of these pictures.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vs the Real Midwestern Housewife
Hi. My name is Leslie and I am a reality show junkie. No, really I only watch a couple of reality shows. Well, let's see. American Idol, Survivor, Celebrity Apprentice, and let's not forget Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.Oh, wait there's more. Dance Moms, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, and Dancing with the Stars. That's not too many right?
So what do these shows have in common with breast cancer? Not a damn thing, but for an hour or two a night, I forget for a moment that my life sucks occasionally and fantasize that I could one day be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. NOT, but it's fun fantasizing.
I often wonder what it would be like not to have a financial care in the word. I mean $25,000 for a pair of sunglasses is just a bit ridiculous don't you think? Let's see how selfish we can be. I wonder if Adrienne would have donated that money to charity if maybe her life might have been just a little bit more fulfilling. I'm sure these women do donate to various charities, but why publicize what you purchase for the whole world to bash you. Again, does this have anything really to do with breast cancer?
I suppose the botox and other various plastic surgeries these women go through to impress their husbands or hoity toity socialites may seem worth it. Who wouldn't love being married to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon? All the free surgeries and botox you could want.
I recently met with my plastic surgeon for reconstruction surgery and excited I will no longer be flat chested. I use to be a double d and the surgeon said she would have no problem giving me a B cup. Okay, I thought, I can live with that. She then went onto say that once those have healed in two months I can go up another size and then she can start niptucking here and there! Woohoooo!!! A flat stomach, liposuction and botox!!
I worry though what they will look like. As my mother-in-law said, "They aren't going to be 'Hollywood' boobs." Haha. I'm okay with that though. What? I'm not going to look like Pamela Anderson?
I may not be a Beverly Hills housewife, more like a mom of four and a midwestern housewife with little insurance and breast cancer. I may not have a lot of monetary wealth, but I have the wealth of love in my life from friends and families and wouldn't trade that for anything.
So what do these shows have in common with breast cancer? Not a damn thing, but for an hour or two a night, I forget for a moment that my life sucks occasionally and fantasize that I could one day be on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. NOT, but it's fun fantasizing.
I suppose the botox and other various plastic surgeries these women go through to impress their husbands or hoity toity socialites may seem worth it. Who wouldn't love being married to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon? All the free surgeries and botox you could want.
I recently met with my plastic surgeon for reconstruction surgery and excited I will no longer be flat chested. I use to be a double d and the surgeon said she would have no problem giving me a B cup. Okay, I thought, I can live with that. She then went onto say that once those have healed in two months I can go up another size and then she can start niptucking here and there! Woohoooo!!! A flat stomach, liposuction and botox!!
I worry though what they will look like. As my mother-in-law said, "They aren't going to be 'Hollywood' boobs." Haha. I'm okay with that though. What? I'm not going to look like Pamela Anderson?
I may not be a Beverly Hills housewife, more like a mom of four and a midwestern housewife with little insurance and breast cancer. I may not have a lot of monetary wealth, but I have the wealth of love in my life from friends and families and wouldn't trade that for anything.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER!!!
Oh my goodness, who doesn't like FREE make-up? The Look Good Feel Better program is comprised of volunteers who teach you how to make yourself look like and more importantly, feel like a million bucks! I am so fortunate I get to stay at a wonderful place like the Hope Lodge in Kansas City, MO while undergoing radiation treatment, but life can get pretty boring, pretty fast. I decided to google the program and there happened to be a class offered through the American Cancer Society last Monday. I called and registered and was in! YEAH me!
Upon arrival, there was of course an RN and a volunteer from American Cancer Society, but no one else had signed up for the program. I was a little embarrassed, BUT I had one-on-one instruction, which was pretty awesome.
The volunteer handed me my fuscia colored bag and was amazed at what was inside. The RN and volunteer were curious to see what was inside and low and behold they went nuts over what they saw. "Do you have any idea what this costs?" Hope asked. I pulled the DIORE mascara out of the box and she revealed to me how awesome this product is. I guess you can really tell the difference in a mascara, but I don't think I could justify spending $50 on any kind of product. We'll save that for the Housewives of Beverly Hills. Personally, I am a clinique girl, but I was impressed with this product. I always applied mascara in an upward motion, but in this instruction they tell you to use side-ways strokes underneath your lashes. Huh? Would have never thought of that.
I got so excited about the mascara I forgot to mention a couple of steps before that. Clinique has a quality moisturizer that will most definitely make your skin feel refreshed and hydrated, but after a few minutes you can tell the difference in how smooth your skin is as well. She also suggested to put this product in the fridge during the summer-time. It feels so good on a hot day.
Clinique offered another product, all about eyes. If you apply this underneath your eyes it will help with dark circles and puffiness and will also help your concealer and foundation to stay on longer. I never realized this, but if you apply liquid foundation, like Estee Lauder shown below, use a brush. A brush is more beneficial than a sponge because of the bacteria. Learn something every day I suppose.
Upon arrival, there was of course an RN and a volunteer from American Cancer Society, but no one else had signed up for the program. I was a little embarrassed, BUT I had one-on-one instruction, which was pretty awesome.
I got so excited about the mascara I forgot to mention a couple of steps before that. Clinique has a quality moisturizer that will most definitely make your skin feel refreshed and hydrated, but after a few minutes you can tell the difference in how smooth your skin is as well. She also suggested to put this product in the fridge during the summer-time. It feels so good on a hot day.
I won't bore you with all the other techniques I learned, but as you can see there are some pretty awesome products here. I really recommend this program for anyone going through cancer treatments. Even if you've completed your cancer treatments, I would suggest signing up for this class!!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Obviously, I'm not the only who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I certainly won't be the last. Everytime I go to an appointment at the Westwood Cancer Center it amazes me all the people awaiting for their appointments in the level lab 2 room. Nearly one half of those patients all have some form of cancer and are just as scared as I am.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.
My emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I went into full panic mode during my breakdown. Loneliness and having no control over anything goes along with cancer. Granted, there are the people in our lives that are trying to support us, and be our care givers, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. Sometimes we don't need our caregivers to tell us what we should be eating, how we should be feeling, or how we should generally be taking care of ourselves. We go from being an independent adult, to a child-like state of mind. Instead of empowering us, our whole world is being turned upside down and all we want is normal. Hell, dysfunctional would be better than nothing at all.
I'm about half-way through my radiation treatments and I should be excited. Following the radiation, I'm almost done with another major surgery, and a few nips here and there. It's not that I want to play the "cancer card" for the rest of my life, but for the past two years, cancer has been my only focus.
Now, that I'm nearly done I'm fearful. I'm fearful that my cancer will return as it did with my mom and my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law was finally feeling stronger again, her hair was coming in curly, long, she was playing tennis all the time and her life was generally back on track. Then, in one check-up it all changed. She was back undergoing chemotherapy, and clinical trials to keep her alive. I'm so scared that will happen to me. I'm afraid to live my life normally for fear that in one appointment it could all be taken away from me again.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I know better than to look at statistics online. However, the statistics for stage IV breast cancer survival rate past five years is less than 31 percent. Granted, my oncologist had me on a research clinical trial for five years, and then had me fill out paperwork for ten years. I am hopeful. My team of doctors are all very positive and impressed at how well I've responded to treatment and treat me as an individual rather than compare me to a bunch of statistics. I just need to figure out how to do that for myself.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Radiation Day 5
I'm on day five of my radiation treatments. Dr. Deere said to me during my appointment that in week two and three will be when I experience skin changes. Let's cross our fingers that, that won't actually happen to me. I have experienced the fatigue and I've gotten dizzy a couple of times.
I check in and there are about 20 people in the waiting area just like me awaiting their treatment. The front desk phone rings, a few minutes later Nikki says, "Go on back Leslie." I grab my coat, coffee, phone, and keys and go through the double doors labeled PATIENTS ONLY. For some reason, I still manage to forget I need to change into a gown and walk right past the women's dressing room. I immediately turn around and go in. Once again, I grab my things and head clear to the back where my tech and nurse are waiting for me. "Good morning Leslie." Now, of course everything is routine even though it's only been five days. The first day, however, was anything but routine.
I tried to talk myself out of radiation for months and as my wound was healing I knew I would no longer be able to avoid it. In fact, my oncologist said to me that I needed to have my radiation completed by my next appointment which was in April. There was no-where else to hide. I couldn't hide behind my scar anymore, or court dates involving my children, or the anger towards Becky and Roger, or my anger at the world.
I approach the table and they tell me to set my things down and lay down. Right away they start positioning me. Now, don't move, we'll move you. They grab a triangular pillow to insert under my knees and then my left arm raises up above my head and rests into two molds; one for my shoulder to rest in and one for my elbow. My right arm is to lay down my side and I am not to move at all. Now, this is when I sneeze, and I get an itch on my nose that won't go away. I tell the tech that my nose itches, and I'll tell you, they are serious about not moving. "Here, I'll itch it for you," she says.
After they've tugged on you and marked on you with a sharpie, and labeled you with stickers, and tell you to move your head a certain way, it's TIME! It's time for this scary machine to zap you with radiated beams. You'd think they would be red beams, but they are green. What's so strange about the beams is that they are on opposite sides of the room. It kind of reminds you of a Lazar show.
Now, for the really scary part. The tech and the nurse place a square, open-shaped box underneath a circular dial, and then another square device underneath that. Then they lower the machine almost to your nose, and she says, "Don't worry, it' won't touch you." The fear at this point isn't whether this machine is going to collapse on top of you, or not, it's just pure fear. You have no idea what to expect, and you have absolutely no control over any of it. You have to trust these medical professionals with your life.
I check in and there are about 20 people in the waiting area just like me awaiting their treatment. The front desk phone rings, a few minutes later Nikki says, "Go on back Leslie." I grab my coat, coffee, phone, and keys and go through the double doors labeled PATIENTS ONLY. For some reason, I still manage to forget I need to change into a gown and walk right past the women's dressing room. I immediately turn around and go in. Once again, I grab my things and head clear to the back where my tech and nurse are waiting for me. "Good morning Leslie." Now, of course everything is routine even though it's only been five days. The first day, however, was anything but routine.
I tried to talk myself out of radiation for months and as my wound was healing I knew I would no longer be able to avoid it. In fact, my oncologist said to me that I needed to have my radiation completed by my next appointment which was in April. There was no-where else to hide. I couldn't hide behind my scar anymore, or court dates involving my children, or the anger towards Becky and Roger, or my anger at the world.
I approach the table and they tell me to set my things down and lay down. Right away they start positioning me. Now, don't move, we'll move you. They grab a triangular pillow to insert under my knees and then my left arm raises up above my head and rests into two molds; one for my shoulder to rest in and one for my elbow. My right arm is to lay down my side and I am not to move at all. Now, this is when I sneeze, and I get an itch on my nose that won't go away. I tell the tech that my nose itches, and I'll tell you, they are serious about not moving. "Here, I'll itch it for you," she says.
After they've tugged on you and marked on you with a sharpie, and labeled you with stickers, and tell you to move your head a certain way, it's TIME! It's time for this scary machine to zap you with radiated beams. You'd think they would be red beams, but they are green. What's so strange about the beams is that they are on opposite sides of the room. It kind of reminds you of a Lazar show.
Now, for the really scary part. The tech and the nurse place a square, open-shaped box underneath a circular dial, and then another square device underneath that. Then they lower the machine almost to your nose, and she says, "Don't worry, it' won't touch you." The fear at this point isn't whether this machine is going to collapse on top of you, or not, it's just pure fear. You have no idea what to expect, and you have absolutely no control over any of it. You have to trust these medical professionals with your life.
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