I don't think there is any amount of medication that can keep anxiety levels down when you're waiting for test results. I use to watch Brothers and Sisters and remember the cancer story line when Kitty was going through chemo and then had to go back for her check-ups. They did a really good job portraying what one might go through.
She tried to appear confident and in control for the sake of appearance, but her husband was terrified as was she. You just have no idea what is in your oncologists folder. What's more, it's impossible to read your doctor's facial expressions. Now, Dr. Mcginness is easy to read. I've been going to her for a few years now and I can always tell when it's good news or bad news. She almost never smiles when it's bad news. During her examination, I was terrified. She had yet to see the results in my scans and she started to prod around my scar area from the mastectomy. She didn't let on that she was concerned, but I could tell by her demeanor. Not to mention, she usually doesn't poke around as much as she did that day. After examining me and taking a couple of pictures she came clean and expressed concern that she didn't know if I had a new tumor growing, or if it was simply scar tissue. She simply couldn't tell by just feeling around. If that doesn't put someone in a panic, I don't know what would. The thought of having to endure more chemo and more testing scared the shit out of me. I didn't know if I was strong enough to do that again. I didn't want to go through that again.
After my appointment with Dr. Mcginness, I was sent over to Dr. Sharma's office for the next one. Of course, I had to wait because she hadn't received the results of my scans yet either. I suppose the bonus of having these done at the hospital is that I get to find out that day and I don't have to wait to be called for the results. I was so glad I wasn't going through this alone and that Melanie was there with me. All sorts of scenarios were going through my head. I wanted my life back. I wanted my children back. If I had another tumor, that meant my life still wasn't my life. My life belonged to them. My life belonged to the poison of chemotherapy and all the other medications I would be on.
Dr. Sharma finally came into the room after waiting about 45 minutes and going through the whole what-if's in my head. She examined me and told me I was ready to start radiation. I suppose I was relieved by this since I had to wait months for a wound to heal. Then, she asked me about my teeth and I have the okay to get those fixed as well. Dr. Sharma then says before my next appointment in April she wants me to have completed my radiation and have my teeth fixed so she can put me on another medication for my bones. I thought the bone medication was to strengthen my bones, but it's actually to prevent the cancer from spreading to the bones.
Dr. Sharma was about ready to leave and I ask her if she received the results from my scans because I still hadn't been told if I was cancer free or not. "Yes, your scans are fine." Good God. That's all I wanted to hear. I was so relieved that I started to cry on the inside this time as to not lose control in front of her or Melanie.
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