Bloomin' Boobs

I wasn't in the best frame of mind before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had struggled with depression and mood swings throughout my life. My mother was diagnosed with bi-polar and my family was convinced I had bi-polar also. All I cared about though was the fact that I wasn't happy in my life. I was irritable and lazy. I didn't keep house very well and I was unhappy in my marriage.
The unhappiness in my marriage was my fault though. Everyone says it takes two to break down a marriage, but that's simply not true. Sometimes it can only take one person. Granted, people make choices every day, but people's choices are guided by other people's actions. This was certainly the case in my marriage. I took our marriage for granted.
My husband was my saving grace in the beginning and the years to follow. All he wanted was to be a good man, have a family, and be able to support his family. But I took that away from him.
My husband worked overnights at the post office and I was so jealous of the post office because it was taking time away from me and my children. I hated it. My husband was sleep deprived, which was my fault because I became so dependant and so needy of him that I wouldn't let him have uniterrupted sleep. Because of that, he got ill and he wasn't taking care of himself the way he should be. Our finances went to hell because I spent more than we had.
He tried to guide me and be kind to me, but that didn't work. The only thing that worked was when he would yell at me. And the funny thing was, when he yelled at me, I was the calm one. I wouldn't give into his anger. I guess now, the reason I didn't give into his anger was a way for me to control the situation. I couldn't show him how it really affected me. I had to be cold in order to survive. After all, that's how I survived my mothe when she would yell at me. I just simply shut down.
After years of my husband trying to survive me, he decided this wasn't healthy for our children. He was right. Something had to change. So he packed up the kids and left.
He had been going back and forth to Texas because his sister was on her death bed. I thought it was good for the little ones to be around to provide comfort and smiles to his family so of course I had no problem with them going. I was actually looking forward to the break.
Upon his return, he was childless. He came into the house without the kids to confront me on what he was planning to do, or rather already done. As you might imagine, I was furious. I was hurt and angry. Even though I knew this was my fault, I wasn't ready to admit that to him or myself. I wasn't ready to admit that I had driven him away. But that's exactly what I did. The man who I thought would never leave, left.
He never did say we were getting a divorce or that he wanted one. He just wanted me to get help and "fix" myself and then maybe we could fix our marriage. He just wanted for me to work with him and not sabatoge everything he tried to do. If he had a solution to a problem he wanted me to accept his solution to work. And if I had a solution to a problem we would try mine. But my solutions always failed. I had to have complete control and I refused to give that up. I refused to let him in and protect and support our family. Now, our family is all over the place and I have cancer, and I'm all alone.