Suicidal drive

There have been some pretty low points in my journey this past year. One of which was when my  husband came back to take me to some appointments. I dug my heels into the ground and I wasn't having anything to do with it. All I wanted to focus on was why he was coming home. Did he want our marriage to work? Was he coming home for me? Was he coming home because he loved me? Or was he simply coming home out of guiilt. I had no idea.
I don't really know why I focussed so much on that though. I should have been elated he was going to hold my hand and be there for me. I should have realized he came home because he loved me. The reasons really shouldn't have mattered. But they did.
I was so angry, but not at him. I couldn't pick a fight with this disease, but I could pick a fight with him. My anxiety was completely heightened and I did not want to go to Kansas City or to my appointments. I was scared and nervous, but mostly I just wanted to pretend none of this was happening to me and that life was normal. But it wasn't and this was my new normal now.
I'll never forget the drive there. I really tried to stay calm, but there was something pulling me away from my husband.
"Turn the car around," I screamed at him.
"No, we are going and you are going to Kansas City." he said.
"Why do you care if I live or die?" I asked.
He just kept driving as if nothing had happened. That made me more furious with him.
I could feel myself getting more angry. I felt trapped. I felt trapped inside the car, inside my thoughts, and inside my  mind. I just wanted to open the door and end it all. I suppose that was my lowest point.
God is there for us. I had these thoughts and in the middle of everything, my pastor calls me from my church. I couldn't believe he chose this time to call. Maybe God was interfering to prevent me from doing something harmful to myself. Maybe God was trying to get me to see that there were people out there who were honest and loving and who truly cared about me even though there wasn't anything in it for them.
"Is there anyting I can do for you?" Pastor Mark asked.
Like many of us I switched to my phone voice. I didn't want him to see how hurt and angry I was. I couldn't allow myself to break down now in front of a perfect stranger.
"No, I'm okay." I said.
"If you need anything, please call." he said.
He already gave me what I needed at the time. I calmed down and allowed my husband to take me the rest of the way to Kansas City.