Trust is not something that comes easily for me. I still struggle with it even today, but I'm learning that if I don't trust, I will never have successful relationship. Psychologists and psychiatrists say adults who don't trust usually had something happen to them during their adolescent years. For me, it was my mom and dad's divorce.
As I process through what has happened, I am retrieving memories that I had hidden away so deep that I really have to work hard to remember.
My parents were not at all loving towards each other. My mother withheld love and affection. She didn't do this on purpose, I just don' think she knew how to love. She had so many things going on in her own life, that being a single parent of four children was extremely difficult for her. My father had no idea how to show his love for us. He tried, but I just think it was too difficult for him to show affection. I remember how my grandparents treated him whenever we would go and visit, and all I remember is sarcastic humor and nagging.
When my dad had his interview in Indianapolis, IN we were all excited about the prospect of moving. Instead, he filed for divorce and I was left with my mother and my three younger siblings.
I was so angry with him for leaving me with a crazy person. I was angry because I was no longer "daddy's girl." My mother would often say, "I can't deal with you, you act exactly like your father," or "You look just like him."
Every time we would go and visit him, we would return and then I was interrogated for the upcoming days, followed by a huge fight with yelling and screaming, and tears streaming down my cheeks.
Grandma and Grandpa would come visit and they would always say, "Try and get along with your mother," or if I was being difficult it was always my fault. If my bed wasn't made, I'd get the belt. If I argued about doing something, I'd get chased around the house until I was in a corner with nowhere to run.
My dad who once protected me, was no longer there. This gave my mom free reign to behave however she wanted. I knew saying, "I'm going to live with my dad," would piss her off and maybe she'd leave me alone. For a few years, that worked. I'd pick up the phone and threaten to "tell on her."
My mother had me when she was 27 years of age. Within that same year, she discovered she had breast cancer. She waited to long and she had to have a radical mastectomy. I honestly believe because I was born the same year she had cancer, she somehow held me responsible. I was to blame for why she was so disfigured.
I go through pictures of our past and I see very few of her smiling while holding me. I don't think she really had an opportunity to bond with me like other mothers and daughters.
Over the years my mom changed her behavior towards me once I had children of my own. I had always wanted her to validate my feelings and she finally admitted her behavior was wrong. But it just goes to show people can change.
My brother said "cancer doesn't have you, you have cancer." Cancer has given me the ability to form a close relationship with my older son and daughter. Having cancer gave me the opportunity to see how smart, beautiful, loving, and sensitive my daughter is. I see her in a way that I hadn't been able to see before. My heart has softened and opened up to her. For that I am grateful.
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