Unanswered questions

I look back at a counseling appointment with my psychiatrist and he asks, "Do you have any suicidal thoughts."
I replied, "Well, not so much anymore, but yes I have in the past."
As he's jotting in his notebook he says jokingly, "Suicide seems unimportant when you have death staring at you in the eyes."
I mean if I really wanted to die, I'd just stop going to chemo, right? This is a perfect excuse. I don't have to think of ways to do it like taking pills or slitting my wrists. I don't have to think of ways to hurt myself because either I fight the cancer or I die.Point blank.
There were so many times throughout my chemo treatments that I said I can't do this. A little over half-way through I was ready to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the person I had become. Wham am I fighting for if my quality of life sucks?
While I was fighting cancer, I was fighting my family, I was fighting people who wanted to keep my children away from me, I was fighting social security, I was fighting medicaid, I was simply in a state of fighting. What is the point of living if all you're doing is fighting to survive? Living shouldn't be this difficult.
I will say it again, 80 percent of surviving any kind of cancer is positive thinking. How can I be positive when I'm having to deal with all of this stress?
And, where was God through all of this? Am I such a bad judge in character that I brought unintentional, emotional harm to my children? Yes, I had free will, but I was out of options. Or at least the options in front of me weren't beneficial to anyone least of all them. God gave us the ability to have free will and make choices. Why do people use God to manipulate us into their way of thinking? Why do people call themselves Christian and then turn around and try to prove you an unfit parent because they can't have children of their own? Why do Christians try and look for fault in people to make themselves appear better? Why did God bless me with four children and only bless her with one? Why, as a Christian does she still prey on unsuspecting women thinking she loves them and she's their for them. How do you fight a person hiding behind God? Why were my family so ready to believe her and her rants about me and my home life instead of taking a chance on me?