Don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff

There were so many times throughout my life where I felt detached from my friends, my family, the world. I find it difficult to write about the truth. What is life without truth? One of the gifts I've received after my diagnosis was realizing that I hadn't been truthful with myself. I find this blog difficult to write tonight, because I'm still fighting being honest with myself.
If my ex-husband gave me anything besides children, he gave me he family to borrow for a little while. Let me tell you, they know how to enjoy life and have a good time. They give knew meaning to the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff." They make the "big stuff" look like small stuff. If you make a mistake, they let you move on from it and try and not judge you from it. "It's water under the bridge," my mother-in-law would say.
It's really sad for me to say the only thing my mother-in-law and I were able to share besides my children, was our cancer diagnosis. I finally had some kind of common ground with her. Sometimes we'd sit and compare notes. I even showed her my scar from my double masectomies.
Last year at my daughter's music program I was in the middle of chemotherapy, and my mother-in-law was done. She shared that she didn't have to go anymore and she was just waiting on one more scan to come back. I secretly hated her for that. I hated the fact that she would get to watch my children grow up and take care of them and I wouldn't.Then, the table turned. A year later, I was clear and her cancer had spread. I was ashamed at how I felt, but sometimes you just can't control your emotions. Cancer takes over any rational thought you might have had left.
My sister and I were out shopping the day after Christmas and I completely lost it after I spilled a soda. My chest got heavy, and I felt like I was literally having a heart attack. I couldn't figure out why I was so stressed out. This wasn't happening to me directly. I felt like I was losing my mother all over again though. After all, three years wasn't that long ago.
How much death is too much. How much are my kids and I suppose to have to go through. Yes, we get the message, cancer sucks!