Bloomin' Boobs

I sat down and asked myself where I want this blog to go? I asked myself what purpose did I want this blog to serve. Was I really doing this for myself and a documentation of this past year? My husband's opinion means a lot to me and I wanted him to proud of me. I know he thinks I'm intelligent, but I wanted him to read my story and understand the kind of year I'd overcome. I wanted him to realize I wasn't this hateful person, but a person who had so much going on and didn't know where to place her anger. Unfortunately, I placed my anger on him. Every time I turned around I was picking an argument with him.
His favorite word is "fix." Most husbands want to fix a problem. Yet we as wives don't necessarily need them to fix our problems. We need them to listen to us. We need them to tell us everything is going to be okay. Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, my moods are all over the place. Yes, I'm angry. I just need you to hear me. Why is it so important to get validation from our husbands? I know I'm not the only one out there. Why do I need validation from others? Why can't I just validate myself? Sometimes I even find myself turning to my thirteen year old son and asking him, "What do you think"? I ask my sister Melanie all the time what she thinks to the point that she probably wants to slap me.
"Do you really think I should keep writing"? I asked her.
"Yes," she said.
"I wouldn't tell you I liked it if I didn't."
My dad gave me his validation when he said to me that he thought my writings were profound and insightful. You would think that would be enough, but not me. No sir, I wanted the rest of my family to give their opinion, but all I get from them is silence. Was my blog a way for me to get attention?
I suppose on some level yes. However, for me writing about this past year has helped me let things go. I've learned during this time that I have major impulse control issues like many other members of my family. I've always acted before I thought things through.
When I get mad, I 'm so eager to write it down in an email and send it. For example, if my husband and I have an argument, I'm on my email writing my mother-in-law for advice, or to yell at her about her son. She has taken my side in the past, but she tends to stay out of it. However, sometimes I need her to help my husband see my point of view on things, and she's helped me see my husband's point of view. For no training in mediation, she's a gift for it. I think the reason she's so good at it is because she doing it out of a place of love.
"Leslie, if I could be there with you and didn't have to work, I would." She told me. Sometimes I wanted my mother-in-law with me during surgeries and appointments because she doesn't overstep. She sits back and listens and she's just there for me. She doesn't judge me although I know she's been disappointed in my behavior in the past. She's an awesome mother-in-law and has always supported me.
So why can't my husband be like his mom? Why can't he just listen to me instead of trying to fix a problem. I think I resist him so much because he's usually right. He sees something that isn't going to work and has a solution for it.
I've resisted him so much over the years and he shut down on me. I finally pushed him away. In the beginning of our relationship I would tell him, "Please don't leave me," and he'd say, "You have nothing to worry about." I knew though even as patient and understanding as he was over the years that I'd push him over his limit of craziness.